You Are Getting Sleepy…

Posted in Demented Human, Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 2, 2017 by dtrain1008

get_out

Get Out

Keep your eyes on the screen. You’re getting sleepy.. falling into a comforting rest. Your eyelids are starting to get heavier and heavier… Because you’re back to reading this mostly-boring horror blog again! Also I have now hypnotized you. But seriously, welcome back to the Unholy Cathedral, your not-very-regular-anymore source for horror movie reviews. I am your hypno- I mean.. caretaker, Dvo, and tonight we’ll be talking about the recent box office smash hit, Get Out. I’d seen plenty of trailers for this movie, and was excited to check it out even before the strong reviews came in. But once I saw the high praises from critics and audiences alike, I had to see this movie. So let’s jump in and see if it lives up to the hype.

Get Out is the story of a young couple who take a weekend to introduce the boyfriend to the girlfriend’s parents. But look out, he’s African-American, and she’s Brian Williams’ daughter. Hilarious hijinx are bound to ensue, right? It’s like the opposite of that Ashton Kutchar and Bernie Mac movie, right? Probably. Anyway, they arrive at the parents’ house, but something feels off. The housekeepers seem a little weird, and mom and dad seem like they have something they’re not telling him… White people, I tell you.

Get Out is Jordan Peele’s first foray into the horror genre, and I gotta throw props at him. He nails it with this really strong debut. Admittedly, this is more on the suspense side than gritty, blood-curdling horror. But it’s worthy of this blog, for sure. There are definitely a few parts that are pretty scary, and the acting is great throughout. Here’s to hoping Mr. Peele isn’t done with horror, and brings more to the table.

Let’s go to the place below, and dive in for A Closer Look

Villain: A family with evil intentions

How do I Stop Them?: Well… a few key points. First and foremost, they’re humans at the end of the day. Shoot ’em, stab ’em, run away.. the basics work here. But just don’t fall into their trap. And it helps if you’re not of African-American descent. And before you try to pull out the race card on this blogger, let me just say that’s the movie talking, not this blogger.

Lessons Learned: White people are jerks! For real though,  here are the big lessons. If something seems blatantly and shamelessly strange, just get out of that situation as quickly as you can. Also I’m not sure if hypnotism is real or not, but I’m not jumping in line to try that. Stay out of my brain, you animals.

Who Do I Watch With?: Anyone old enough to see it! It’s not that gory, not that adulterated, and generally an awesome flick. Grab some popcorn and enjoy with a friend.

Movie Trivia: Not too much on here, but I did find it interesting that Jordan Peele used the original Night of the Living Dead as inspiration for this film, since it has a black protagonist, and addresses racial issues in the framework of a horror movie.

Rating the Flick

Villains: 7/10. It’s very simple, but I’d say very strong. While things start expectedly, there’s some pretty crazy revelations along the way that make our villains quite interesting.

Scare Factor: A few chills (5/10)

It’s certainly not a “silly” movie, but also not terrifying. Mr. Peele does a good job of keeping us in a state of discomfort for the majority of the movie, but also provides a small bit of comic relief.

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

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If you’re looking for blood and guts, look elsewhere. There’s a tiny bit of violence, but nothing that’ll make you squirm.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Teacups

teacups

Really strong effort here by Mr. Peele. I thought this was a pretty great movie from start to finish, and showed us a different style of horror that we haven’t seen. The story is very original, and was executed flawlessly. With that said, I think that in terms of pure horror movies, this one is missing something. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not macabre. I’m giving Get Out the Unholy Stamp of Approval (USA! USA! USA!), but it falls just short of my top echelon. Regardless, if you get a chance, definitely check this one out. It’s worth the ticket price!

So that will wrap up this review. I know I keep making false promises at the ends of these blogs, but I’m gonna try to post more things on here, I promise. And if there’s anything you want me to review, let me know! Preferably movies though.. I’ve accepted that horror video game requests are more of a commitment, and have a lower chance of happening. Anyway, thanks again for reading! Hope to be haunting you again soon.

Until next time, Herbert Herbert.

-Dvo

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Holiday Spirits

Posted in Ghost/Demon with tags , , , , on December 6, 2016 by dtrain1008

krampus0011 Krampus

Well friends, the holiday season is upon us, and what better way to celebrate than with some Christmas-themed horror! The darkest days of the season are here, and today, we’re trying something new. I’m trying out a new idea with this one: audio blogs. That’s right.. this review will mostly be done via an audio recording! I’m providing the ratings overview, but for the sinister details, check out the podcast link below.

Link to Podcast

I hope you enjoy the show, and please let me know what you think in the comments. I might start doing these more frequently moving forward, but if you’d rather I write, feel free to let me know that as well.

So let’s get into it!

Villain: 9/10

Scare Factor: 5/10

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

1_5_machete

Overall Rating: 4/5 Snow Globes

snow_globes

Like I said, be sure to check out the audio format, and let me know what you think! It’s short and sweet (only about 12 minutes), so you should be able to listen to it at your leisure. And as always, feel free to send me requests for movies to review. I now have a VERY solid home theater set-up, perfect for all things spooky. So hopefully this will entice me to make more of these.

Anyway, that’ll wrap up this week’s update. If you’re not following me already, make sure you Unleash Hell at the top right to sign up for my e-mail updates. Also, follow me on Twitter at @UnholyCathedral for the latest news and updates from yours truly! If I don’t get back beforehand, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you… And beware the holiday spirits…

Until next time, keep the fire hot.

-Dvo

 

Does this thing still work?

Posted in Other with tags , , , , , , on October 20, 2016 by dtrain1008

horror-nights2016 Horror Nights 2016

For those keeping score at home, this IS in fact my first post of the horror season. With only 11 days to spare… Many apologies from within these torrid walls. I assume you’ve all survived without me. Let’s see if we can fix that.

The last few months have been one of the most chaotic times of my life. I went to Europe for the first time ever, spent a few unplanned days back at home, and then went to Florida to experience this year’s rendition of Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios.

For my loyal followers (mad props if you’re still with me after all this time!), you know the drill. Horror Nights is the premiere Halloween event, with several haunted houses– some based on movies and/or tv shows, and others based on original content. If you recall, last year’s event was the 25th anniversary, and featured our sinister clown friend Jack. This year, Universal did a spin-off with his creepy sidekick, Chance. Here’s this year’s preview:

As you can see, we’ve got some exciting mazes. There’s mazes based on Halloween 2, The Exorcist, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, American Horror Story, Krampus, and The Walking Dead. In addition to those are three original content houses– Ghost Town: The Curse of Lightning Gulch, Tomb of the Ancients, and Lunatics Playground 3D. My co-contributor Adam and I tackled this event for two consecutive nights, and it was a grueling marathon to say the least. But we got our share of scares… so let’s take a journey through the mazes together.

I think I’ll go through these in order of my rankings, starting with my least favorite and building up. So let’s begin with (sadly) the Icon maze this year: Lunatics Playground 3D.

Lunatics Playground is a journey into Chance’s mind. In the queue for this maze, we’re presented a video with a backstory as to what’s happening. After last year’s Carnival of Carnage, Chance was arrested and taken to an asylum. We’re forced to enter her mind in a 3D horror maze. As for the maze itself… this was easily my least favorite of the event. The whole thing didn’t really make sense. It was more silly than scary, and if you ask me, the 3D mazes need to stop.

Up next, let’s talk about The Walking Dead. It’s baaaaack. AGAIN. At this point, I’m sure I sound like a broken record, but this maze is a broken record in itself. They’ve overplayed this franchise, and this year’s maze takes highlighted scenes from all seasons of TWD. There were some kind of cool throwbacks to the early seasons, but as was the case in previous years, TWD just doesn’t deliver the scares. Here’s to hoping this is the last time we see one of these mazes.

My 7th-ranked haunt at HHN2016 is The Exorcist. I was really excited about this house going in. When we think of horror movies, The Exorcist is one of the first ones that comes to mind on many people’s lists. And this is the first time the movie has made an appearance at Horror Nights, so I expected a great maze here. The entranced was good… you walk up the cobblestone path to the house, just like the priest in the film. But as much as I built this up, the maze was only okay. There are some very cool effects used, from see-through walls, good sound effects, and a few strong scares. But the Reagan animatronics were a little too cheesy, and there were a few hallways at the beginning that were pretty uneventful. As much as I wanted to like this maze, it just didn’t live up to expectations.

Onto the #6 maze: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Another movie based on a classic horror film, and I must say, I really liked the sets in this maze. They’ve constructed the actual house in Texas where Leatherface and his demented family shred up our protagonists. And as for the scares, it’s a lot of what you’d expect. Chainsaws-a-plenty. A good haunt, but far from the top.

That brings us to my Top 5 mazes of Horror Nights 2016. Coming in at #5 is Krampus, the Christmastime scarefest. I actually haven’t seen this movie yet, but I think I’ll need to after going through this haunt. This was a lot of fun. There were a lot of silly characters (elves, teddy bears, etc) that when simply observed, look almost comedic. But combined with some intense sound effects, the smells of gingerbread, a very fun outdoor section, and some solid indoor sets, they’ve turned Krampus into a frightening attraction.

In 4th place, we arrive at Ghost Town: The Curse of Lightning Gulch. This is a classic Wild West maze in a ghost town, where the residents are… well, you know. But this was a really well-themed maze. As you enter the town, a light rain falls from above. And from then on, you’re encountered by all of the former townsfolk, each of them as restless as the next. Some are screaming about the gold they’d left behind. Others are just vengeful. But all of them are creepy in their own right, and this was a solid haunt.

My #3 maze this year is American Horror Story. This is the only maze we were only able to do once, due to the INSANE lines for this thing. In any case, I’m again not really up to speed on AHS, so a lot of the references were lost on me. But even with that, this was a pretty cool maze. It was probably the longest maze of the event, with scenes from 3 different seasons of the show. The clown from the Freakshow season (or so I’m told) made a bunch of appearances throughout, and there were plenty of other creepy characters along the way. Even as someone who hasn’t watched the show, I enjoyed this maze a lot.

And now for the final 2. My runner up this year is Tomb of the Ancients.  Themed to an ancient crypt of sorts, Tomb is all about exploring a lost temple that houses creatures lost for many centuries. It’s full of hidden crypts, undead half-breeds, and wonderful sets throughout. There’s some really clever scares in here, from drop floors to really cool animatronics. There are plenty of jump scares throughout the whole trek, landing Tomb near the top of the list… which brings us to our final maze.

Halloween 2 tops off this year’s Horror Nights event for me. It’s everything you’d expect in a rather unpleasant tour through Haddonfield. A terrifying jaunt through some back yards, where Michael Myers is behind who knows which sheet. Then you head into town and into some buildings, avoiding knife attacks behind every corner. The whole maze is beautifully laid out, and it’s simply packed with Michael Myers actors. On top of that, they do a fantastic job integrating the sounds of Halloween into the maze… the shrieking strings, the subtle note sequences of suspense.. the entire maze is simply terrifying. This was the first maze we went through at the event, and it stuck with me as being my favorite the entire time. Very, very well done.

With all of that said, I’d say this year’s event as a whole was a little “down” when compared to previous years. Last year’s 25th anniversary was truly something special, and really set the bar for what Horror Nights can be. I think there were 3 mazes last year that were better than any of the mazes this year. But even in a down year such as this, HHN still reigns supreme as the best overall Halloween event, and it’s worth the trip every time.

That’ll wrap up this review of Horror Nights. I’m hoping to get back into the normal swing of things, but this is a weird year for Halloween… Where are the scary movies?! It’s been a pretty disappointing year at the Box Office. Hopefully that resolves itself soon. I am hoping to post more haunt reviews, because not including Horror Nights, I’ve been to SEVEN other haunted houses this year. So stay tuned, because hopefully there’ll be more updates coming soon.

Until then, bring out your dark side.

-Dvo

 

The Crooked Man Cometh

Posted in Ghost/Demon, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 14, 2016 by dtrain1008

conjuringpostersmall

The Conjuring 2

GREETINGS, friends, and welcome once again to your source for spooky… The Cathedral is back in business, and this time we’re taking a look at a fresh movie on the block. The Conjuring 2 made its terrifying debut this weekend, and after hearing four separate people give positive reviews, I knew I had to see this one.  Now know this… The first Conjuring was one of few movies to get a perfect score on this blog, so needless to say that’s a tough act to follow. And Horror movie sequels in general don’t often succeed, as it were. So I was VERY glad to see this one deliver… Anyway, let’s get into it.

It’s the mid-1970’s, and Ed & Lorraine Warren are investigating one of their darkest, most sinister cases ever in Amityville, New York. The aftermath of that event has left psychological scars on Lorraine. Enough to the point that she’s unwilling to take on any new cases. But elsewhere in the world, a struggling mother is witnessing something happening to her daughter. She’s speaking with the voice of an old man. She’s claiming that someone, or something, is intruding on her room in the night. And her house is slowly getting trashed by an evil spirit.  But she’s probably faking it, right? …….. Right?

I’m wondering how long it’ll take for James Wan to be recognized as one of the better horror directors in history. He’s already the director and/or producer of The Conjuring, Insidious, Saw (and sequels), and Dead Silence. And he’s got a strong docket still coming, including Lights Out, and mulitple Insidious sequels. The dude is legit.  And admittedly, there seems like a very similar tone between the Conjuring and Insidious movies, but they have their differences, and at the end of the day, they’re both pretty damn scary. And that’s the bottom line.

Back to business. Say 10 Hail Mary’s and let’s go in for A Closer Look

Villain: A sinister demon. That’s all you get.

How do I Stop It?: As is the case with the first movie, this is a foul, horrible beast. You’ll need some serious help if you’re confronted with this one.

Lessons Learned: Ok. How do I get this to sink in? Spirit boards are generally not a good idea. So making a spirit board… that’s an even worse idea. If there’s a way to communicate with the dead, leave it to the pros, eh? And another thing. Should you have a nightmare of a particularly creepy spirit, you shouldn’t EVER feel the need to make a painting of said spirit, and hang it on your effing wall! EVER. FO RILL.

Who Do I Watch With?: Anyone who’s up for a good, clean, scary movie. I do recommend bringing someone though. This one’s pretty spooky.

Movie Trivia: On the first day of shooting, an actual priest was brought in to bless the set (creepy trivia!). Also, James Wan turned down an unknown (but claimed to be very large) amount of money to direct Fast 8, in order to direct The Conjuring 2. \m/  \m/

Rating the Flick

Villain: 10/10. Wow this thing is nuts. As good as the demon in the first movie was, I think this one was even scarier. Wan really had a great design for the character(s), and I’m sure they’ll certainly be in a lot of upcoming nightmares.

Scare Factor: Palms doth sweateth (9/10)

This is a pretty long movie by horror standards, and while there are a few slow parts here and there, the scares are also there, the whole time. Be warned, this is a very scary movie.

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

1_5_machete

Not much to worry about here. Similar to the first one, basically no gore involved, but as Mr. Wan has shown us, it’s not needed to get you jumping in these films.

Overall Rating: 5/5 Reclinerschairs

….because Chairs! Yes, another perfect score. And I dare say (I dare, I dare!) that The Conjuring 2 is even better than the first movie. It’s just… really really good. The plot development is great, there’s good foreshadowing, subtle references to other films in the saga, and most importantly, straight up scary stuff. Really really solid film here. I don’t really know what else to say, so I think I’m just going to end it on that. If you get a chance, SEE THIS MOVIE IN THEATERS. It’s worth the ticket price.

So that’ll wrap up this review. As it turns out, there’s more horror movies being released in the coming months, so stay tuned. Never know what you might see on here… Oh, and I’ll leave you with this…

Until next time, say your prayers.

-Dvo

Hush Little Baby…

Posted in Demented Human with tags , , , , , on May 1, 2016 by dtrain1008

hush_poster

Hush

You hear door creaking, and as the door finally gives, you hear the sound of many heavy wooden objects falling to the floor. A cloud of dust explodes around you, and you have to make your way through a seemingly-endless number of cobwebs to get to your destination. That’s right, kids. You’ve made it back to the Unholy Cathedral. Sorry for the mess… This place hasn’t been used in a while. So now that we’re nice and comfortable, let’s talk spooky things.

A friend of mine sent me a teaser for a new Netflix movie (yes, I’m back on Netflix streaming! I’m a proud member of the year 2008) that was just released this year, and it sounded pretty creepy on paper. And bad guys who wear human face masks are pretty scary. Did you see that cover? Look at that. Creepy.  Anyway, it’d been a while since I sat down for a good scary movie, and last night I decided to give Hush a spin.

Hush is the story of a deaf and mute writer who’s living on her own in a wooded area, where she’s working on her book. She has some good friends who are also her neighbors, and is struggling to wrap up her 2nd novel.  And even though she’s self-sustaining, her impairment leaves her in a true state of isolation from the rest of the world.  But not for long.. On this night, she has company, whether she likes it or not.  And this company has some sinister intentions…

Put in your hearing aids, and let’s go in for A Closer Look.

Villain: A murderous young man

How Do I Stop Him?: This guy is as human as they come. But he’s clever, and induces a lot of fear and panic into his victims prior to attacking them. So if you do run into him, be smart about it. Keep your cool. And hopefully you have a good weapon at your disposal.

Lessons Learned: For goodness sake… if your best sense is sight, and you’re looking to hide, you should find a place that allows you to see all entrances to your hiding spot. And I can understand some people wanting to live in a secluded area for peace and quiet. But if you’re deaf, it’s always quiet, no? Perhaps that’s a little insensitive. But also realistic.

Who Do I Watch With?: I think this is a pretty great horror flick for anyone interested in the genre.  And it has a similar feel to The Strangers, so I’d recommend watching this one with whomever you happen to live with. Protect your home, kiddos!

Movie Trivia: The entire film was shot in only 18 days. Also, there’s only 15 minutes of dialogue in the entire run time, so there’s more than an hour of the movie without any spoken words.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 7/10. This guy is a very good, crafty, killer. But he kind of contradicts himself along the journey. There are times where he shows his innate ability to maintain control of the situation with deception, marksmanship, and general fear.  But then there are times where he makes, simply put, really dumb decisions. It’s a good character, but just fell short of being great.

Scare Factor: 8/1o. Pretty creepy movie here. I thought the use of the mask was well done in this one (there’s more than meets the eye), but in general the scares start early on, and the director keeps the discomfort going from there on. You’ll be on edge a lot during this one.

Gore Rating: Moderately Bloody Machete (3/5)

3_5_machete

Oh yes, there’s some blood along the way too. Not to the point where you’ll be entirely grossed out, but it’s there. And I think it’s just the right amount for a movie like this. It brings the gravity of the situation to light, but isn’t excessive.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Silencers

silencer Because you’ll never hear it coming. Hush is a really strong movie. The storyline is entirely self-explanatory, and they don’t really set up a long plot line. Which, in this case, works great for it. GOING ON RECORD: I don’t love when horror movies go through elaborate stories and essentially make a mystery about the motives of the beast, and then “uncover” the means to survive/kill it.  Movies that do this well: Hellraiser, The Omen, The Conjuring. Movies that don’t: Van Helsing (ugh), recently Sinister IIThe Gallows.

Anyway, back on track… Hush just brings a very personal, “in-your-face” kind of terror. And the threat is very realistic, so I think the scares are legitimate. It’s a solid flick, but I think it just needed to be a liiiiitttle scarier to bring home a 4.5 or 5 rating.

That’ll wrap up this review, but if you have Netflix, give it a try sometime! One of my more loyal listeners has been pushing more creepy video games my way, so eventually there may be some of that coming. But also, coaster season starts this week, so maybe I’ll write some things about that as well. In any case, I’ll try to keep the content coming at your source for all things scary.

Until next time, lock your doors.

-Dvo

IMSCARED….KINDA

Posted in Ghost/Demon, Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 24, 2016 by dtrain1008

imscared

IMSCARED

A strange video game, where cryptic files are placed on your computer while skeletal spirits hunt you in the dark? All while the spirit is seemlingly logged in and guiding you deeper into the terror within the game? That’s exactly what we’re talking about this week, so let’s take a look at IMSCARED, a Pixelated Nightmare.

Greetings, and welcome once again to the Unholy Cathedral! This blog has officially gone off the rails, but in a good way, in my opinion.

This week we’re doing an Unholy first– a review of a horror video game.  This started a few weeks ago when a chicken friend of mine asked me to play this horror game, because it was getting good reviews on Steam, but he this person didn’t want to play it on their own.  So I told him that he was talking to the right crowd, and told him I’d play it, but he wanted me to stream it on the internet so he (and others) could watch.

So a few nights ago, I did an Unholy Live Stream on twitchtv (follow me at dvo_tron on Twitch), where I streamed myself playing this game for a few hours. I went in with basically no knowledge of what this game was about, other than it was a relatively crude game (think commodore computer graphics), and that there was some interface outside of the game.

As I started the game, I was lost within minutes. Admittedly I had some technical issues at first, but I was having difficulty finding my first “key” to advance into the game. I was walking around some rooms and things to no avail, but when I went to the end of the hall, I heard a creepy laugh, almost as if some effing demon clown had flipped a switch of some sort. And as it turns out, the nice, not-scary hallway now had blood dripping from the walls, and this instantly got creepier.

The good part was that I had multiple friends watching me play on Twitch (mad props to those who watched this debaucle) who were providing clues. But there was another user who I didn’t know, under the username “wh1teface.” And this guy helped me find my first key, that opened a door to the next step in this game. It actually didn’t dawn on me for a little bit that “wh1teface” was skeptically familiar with this game… as it turns out, I eventually ran into whiteface himself, in one of the creepier renditions of “Tag” I’ve ever played. I’m sure you’ll laugh, but so be it. Here’s a snapshot of the game in the parking deck area.

imscared2

I told you the graphics weren’t great. But I must say, here’s what the game does well. You can only see about 10 feet in front of you. Everything else is pitch black (with some exceptions), but you really just don’t see things coming. And so while you’re stumbling around through the dark, running into pixelated corners, there’s a lot of scary sounds keeping you on edge.

Now for the bad parts. There’s some really frustrating parts to this game, and even wh1teface himself (who was almost certainly the developer of the game, and was helping guide me through the tough parts) admitted that some parts weren’t exactly well-liked, even from their perspective. For instance, there’s a level where you must navigate a large grid, trying to find some music boxes. But beyond the mono audio getting slightly louder, there’s really nothing guiding you through the seemingly massive maze. Oh, and there’s a ghost in there chasing you around as well.

One of the more interesting things about this game (which I touched on a little earlier) is that it’s very existential. That is, in order to advance through the game, you literally have to exit out of the game at some parts and go back in, but when you do re-enter the game, it’s in a different spot than when you left. And the game drops cryptic text files into a folder on your desktop to serve as clues for your next step(s). It’s a very interesting concept, and I liked it overall. But sometimes it was frustrating, especially as I was streaming the game, and the viewers were subjected to a lot of spinning screens as a result.

After a little over 2 hours into the game, I can say this. This game definitely made me jump a few times, and it definitely had some creepy moments, which is very impressive for how simple the game design is. It’s certainly not a “game of the year” contender, but for the purchase price of $2.99, you can’t complain too much.  And where else are you going to play a game where the developer voluntarily watches your live stream and trolls you along the way?

I’m not going to give the normal rating scale for this iteration, but as an overall rating, I’d give this game a 3/5 shrunken heads. It’s scary in the right spots, and very off the beaten path in terms of normal game design. The crypic clues were good, and wh1teface trolling me multiple times as I got stuck or fell for one of the game’s tricks was pretty funny.

3_shrunken_heads

So that’s going to wrap up this brief review of IMSCARED. If you ever feel the desire to play a shorter PC game that will likely give you a few scares, this is worth the $3.  So with that said, there’s a bunch more horror games out there, and Im not opposed to hosting a twitch stream again. So feel free to throw movie OR game ideas at me! I think the first stream was a success, and can only improve from there.

As the (so far) mild winter is coming to a close, I’m hoping to have some more scary stuff to review shortly. But still feel free to send me recommendations, and don’t miss hte next live stream! Details will be posted on Twitter, but don’t expect anything “that” soon.

And thanks again to everyone who supported this endeavor. It was a blast having you guys help me out! And also thanks to Whiteface, you undead trickster. No matter how many times you fooled me or killed me, you still made it fun.

Until next time, STAYSCARED

-Dvo

I See My Frans

Posted in Ghost/Demon with tags , , , , on February 8, 2016 by dtrain1008

unfriended_poster Unfriended

Alright chums, let’s do this thing! The now seldomly-opened cathedral has creaked open its decaying doors, and the scares are back. What really sucks is that I’ve watched three or four horror movies in the last few months, but it’s been a hot minute since I saw them, and I wouldn’t feel right posting an out-dated review.  So this week we’re going over the one I saw most recently, Unfriended.

Unfriended is the story of a group of teenagers who witness the horrific suicide of one of their classmates, and friends.  Fast forward one year later, and the group of friends has done a pretty good job of moving on.  But one girl is still coping with the loss of her good friend, unbeknownst to the rest of the group.  Anyway, they get together on a skype call one evening (apparently skype is the AIM of 2015?) to hang out.  But there’s an unknown guest on the call as well… and this unknown guest is making some scary threats. And what’s going on with their computers? Dun dun DUNNNNNNN.

HANG UP DAT VIDEO CONFERENCE… and let’s log in for A Closer Look

Villain: A sinister spirit seeking virtual vengeance (+1 for alliteration combo!)

How Do I Stop It?: Well, two ways. First, be a decent human being. I know, I know. Really solid advice. And second? Shut it down!

Lessons Learned: Posting shame videos of your friends on the internet isn’t the way to go, kids. This message is brought to you by famous people everywhere. And Mexico. I think the real lesson is that social media is the devil. Damn you, Zuckerberg.

Who Do I Watch With?: Well hopefully if you’re watching this, you’re either a horror junkie, or a 15-year old kid on a date.  This is a classic teen romp.

Movie Trivia: All of the facebook and skype accounts in the movie exist, and can be found on their respective sites. Also the whole movie was completed as one long shot, with the actors on real computers in separate rooms of a house.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 1/10. This villain is one step short of a Wayans Bros. movie. It’s like Jigsaw from Saw had a teenage kid, but rather than come up with clever torture traps, he/she was just an internet troll. Do better, horror filmmakers.

Scare Factor: 3/10. As far as scares go, there aren’t many. I’ll admit it’s mildly entertaining to see how the story shakes out and watch these kids suffer, but at the end of the day it’s just not very scary.

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

1_5_machete

Just a touch of blood in here, as there’s one or two slightly gruesome scenes. But for the most part Unfriended is pretty tame.

Overall Rating: 0/5 AIM Away Messagesaway_message Because we should all reflect on the best messaging software that ever was. Regardless of those CDs that AOL would send you in the mail. See, this is why this movie is bad. I can’t even talk about the horror. I just want to talk about Netscape Navigator and trollface. Unfriended is Unworthy of this blog, and yet here I am. Must be winter.

That’ll wrap up this review, but stay tuned. Who knows, maybe 3 months from now I’ll be back, hopefully with a much scarier movie.  But in the meantime, feel free to throw some horror recommendations my way! Hope you’re all staying warm this winter.

-Dvo