All The Single Ladies…

Rings

Yep, I put some rings on it! It being the television, that is. Hello everyone, and welcome back to another installment of the Unholy Cathedral. If you’re one of my loyal Deadites, I’m sending you a big Undead Boo Ya from the grave. Here is the Boo Ya.

If you’re a newcomer to this blog, then welcome! I’m hoping you’ll enjoy the reviews. If you’re liking what you’re seeing, be sure to Unleash Hell at the top right, and these posts will go straight to your inbox. And trust me, they’re far from frequent, so I promise you won’t be annoyed. Okay.. Administrative silliness complete. Let’s go to the business end of the blog (side note… as I wrote that, all I could think about is a mullet or a gun. But then I realized both of those things are awesome, so this blog must also be awesome).

I’ll say it. The Ring will always be one of my favorite scary movies. Granted, I was much much younger when I saw it for the first time in theaters. But that’s the only movie that I literally ran out of the theater. That iconic scene at the end was so effing scary the first time I saw it, that I’ll never forget those chills. AU CONTRAIRE… then The Ring Two came out. And boy was this a steaming pile of suck. But years later, Hollywood deemed it time for another shot at this franchise, with a fresh look, a new cast, and an off-shoot story. I wasn’t entirely optimistic, but I was keeping an open mind. So let’s see where round 3 takes us, starting with the trailer.

Rings is the story of a young girl whose boyfriend goes away to college, and she gets all emotional about it, and starts whining, and these damn millennials these days, and… Okay kidding. Kind of. But after her boyfriend goes away to school, he abruptly disappears from all contact. So in a panic, she makes the long drive to see him, to find that something has happened. A stranger is telling her that her boyfriend is going to die, and soon she becomes entangled in the worst “club” imaginable. Jinkies!

 Go grab some corpse-y well water, and let’s dive in for A Closer Look

Villain: Samara, the evil spirit of some dead girl

How Do I Stop It?: Don’t watch creep-ass untitled movies. Stick to the movies that, you know, have titles.

Lessons Learned: My goodness. This whole story is pretty asenine, if I may say so. First of all, if you’re a college professor who discovers a sinister evil spirit that KILLS PEOPLE, perhaps you shouldn’t be entrapping your students to work on a thesis about it. But because it’s Johnny Galecki, I’m not surprised. Also, if you become aware of what’s happening, and all you have to do is not watch the movie, like, *pause for Ultimate Unholy Face palm* DONT WATCH THE MOVIE YOU STUPID GIRL. /end rant

Who Do I Watch With?: This one is pretty manageable for casual fans of horror, but I’d recommend watching with someone who’s at least familiar with the earlier movies.

Movie Trivia: Originally set for release in November 2015, the film was pushed back several times due to studio delays. It was finally released in 2017, almost 2 years after the original shooting occurred. Also, according to special makeup effects designer on the film, Arjen Tuiten, it took about 6 and a half hours to complete Samara’s makeup and her costume featured a water rig under the dress that allowed the character to constantly drip water.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 5/10. Samara is a pretty creepy ghost, no doubt about it. The problem for me is that it’s a lot of the same stuff. There’s not many new tricks to scare us this time around, and it stands out.

Scare Factor: 5/10. For the uninitiated, this is likely still a pretty creepy movie. The tone is moderately dark, and there’s some decent jump scares throughout. But if you’re familiar with The Ring, this is a far cry from the terror of the original.

Gore Rating: Slightly Bloody Machete (2/5)

It’s not extremely bloody, but there’s a few parts that are tough to watch. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a really gory movie on here. Accepting recommendations.

Overall Rating: 2/5 Queen Beys

Can we agree that Bizarro Beyonce is freaking creepy? Anyway, Rings was closer to The Ring Two than The Ring in terms of being a solid movie. The story was just silly, and there are some pretty big plot holes, in my mind. I admittedly jumped once or twice throughout, but as a whole, it’s not so great. May I recommend the latest Insidious movie instead, if you’re looking for some scares? See my last post for a review!

Anyway, that’s going to wrap up this edition of The Unholy Cathedral. As always, thanks to everyone who subscribes to this blog and has supported it over the years. We’re still limping along, but the horror isn’t stopping. So be sure to stay tuned for more spine-tingling commentary in the coming months.

Until next time, SEVEN DAYS.

-Dvo

No, YOU LOCK IT UP

Insidious: The Last Key

Greetings, my loyal Deadites, and welcome once again to another installment of the Unholy Cathedral. I hope everyone had a rotten Christmas and a horrifying New Year. Something happened in the last few weeks. Hell literally froze over. Just look outside. That is, unless you’re one of those warm-climate elitist deadites, in which case I shake my skeleton fist directly at you. AAAAnyway, let’s grind into the meat & bones of this blog, and talk about a fresh new movie in theaters right now: Insidious: The Last Key.

This is the 4th installment in the Insidious universe, and the old lady that’s seemingly in a ton of horror movies is back, trying to get rid of some evil spirits. Before we get into this chapter, let’s reflect on the previous Insidious movies. The first installment introduced us  to the terrifying screeching violins, and then gave us creepy spirits, and a wacky demon that was terrorizing a little kid. I gave it a 4/5 (way back in 2011!!!). Then came Insidious Chapter 2, which brought us the horrifying veiled old woman. Really scary stuff there, also earning a 4/5 from me. The franchise was off to a really strong start, until the third chapter. Insidious 3 went a little off the beaten path, and gave us the old man with the oxygen mask. It was a step back, and only earned a 3/5 rating. So I went into this one tentatively optimistic. Critics are giving this one poor reviews, but at the end of the day, it’s still a strong franchise. So let’s get into this latest chapter, in theaters now.

Insidious: The Last Key is a story centered around Elise (yes, that lady again). This time, we take a deeper look at her back-story. Her troubled past with an abusive father, combined with her early realization that she had a special ability to connect with the dead. Now, in the later years of her life, she uses those abilities to help others facing paranormal issues. But things turn awry when she receives a call from someone at an ominous address– her childhood home. Now she must confront all of the demons of her past… both living and dead. Eek (not the cat).

Get out your photo albums. We’re going back in time for A Closer Look.

Villain: An evil demon known to possess the inhabitants of a house to do sinister deeds.

How Do I Stop It?: Let’s just agree that you don’t want to encounter this guy. If you do, you won’t know it, and you’re going to become a much much worse person. Maybe it’s time to start a Deadite Buddy System. Let’s keep an eye on each other, people.

Lessons Learned: First thing’s first. When someone calls for help with some evil spirits, you can’t make too many assumptions about that person’s behaviors. That’s the easy one. But here’s the bigger lesson learned. And this is purely hypothetical, trust me. Let’s say your long-lost childhood friend shows up, and shows you a close memoir that you had lost years ago. And you decide to go get it, but in order to find it, you have to go into your childhood home, the place of horrible memories, and IT IS NOW A CRIME SCENE. If that’s the case, maybe just DON’T DO THAT YOU FREAKING IDIOT. *pulling hair out*

Who Do I Watch With?: The Insidious franchise really capitalizes on the paranormal/spiritual side of horror. So be sure to watch with someone who can take it seriously and enjoy it.

Movie Trivia: Not much trivia here, at least from IMDB. The only somewhat interesting fact is that this is actually a prequel to the first installment, and the end leads directly into Insidious.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 7/10. The baddie in this movie is pretty creepy, I have to say. The director makes good use of “teasing” the character for a while, to accentuate his design. And even when he comes into full view, he’s still pretty scary. Not to mention, his purpose is pretty damn dark.

Scare Factor: 7/10. Not gonna lie, I thought this was a pretty creepy movie. It had dark tones throughout the feature, and some very well-placed jump scares.

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

As is the case with most spirit/demon movies, there’s not a ton of blood. There’s some creepy entities, sure. But in terms of pure bloodshed, not too much to fret about here.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Whistles

Da Whistles go WOOOO. I think Insidious returns back to its form here, putting out a solid horror flick. With that said, I think Insidious 2 still stands out as the definite best movie in this franchise, so I think that rating should have been higher. But this is a solid entry into the saga, and it’s a pretty creepy film. Something tells me this isn’t the last film in the series, but we’ll see if the franchise continues on. In the meantime, it looks like Blumhouse has a slate of horror coming up, so stay tuned for more spooky flicks.

That’ll wrap up this review of Insidious: The Last Key. If you’re looking for some chills that aren’t caused by the weather, definitely head to the theater to check out this movie. And as always, thanks to everybody who subscribes to the blog! Hopefully I’ll be back soon with more scares.

Until next time, lock those doors…

-Dvo

ALL ABOARD!

Train to Busan

You guys… it’s EIGHT DAYS until the witching hour. That means it’s time to carve those pumpkins, get your candy situation together, and finish up those costume ideas. Oh, and of course, watch those scary movies. Welcome once again to the Unholy Cathedral, your source for scares. I recently went on a trip to Vegas with some friends, and I figured a 4-hour flight was a perfect opportunity to check out a scary movie. I’d heard a lot of positive things about Train to Busan, a Korean zombie movie (that’s currently streaming on Netflix). Admittedly, I’m not normally into foreign flicks. I think a lot of that is just because they don’t really hit my radar. But this one kept popping up, so I figured I’d give it a shot. And I’ll concede this.. after this one, I might have to broaden my scope for horror flicks. Anyway, let’s get down to business, and check out this Korean import.

Train to Busan is the story of a separated father, Yoo Gong, and his young daughter. He’s consumed by work and wealth. She’s just looking for a loving parent. So he agrees to take her on a train to see her mother. They board the train with a solemn air between them. However, as the train doors close, another girl boards the train, unbeknownst to the conductor. A very sick girl. And as the train departs, there is a scene of chaos at the train station… This is going to be a wild, wild ride.

All Aboard! We’re going in for A Closer Look.

Villain: ZOMBIES. ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE.

How Do I Stop Them?: These are some baaad zombies. In the sense that you’re in real trouble, should this outbreak happen. These things are really fast, and really bitey. But you know what to do. Destroy the brain.

Lessons Learned: Well… the big lesson here is, don’t be a dick. Especially when you’re facing hordes of zombs. You need all the help you can get. But I’d say these Koreans really do a pretty good job fighting for their lives, given the circumstances.

Who Do I Watch With?: This movie is intense. So grab a good friend and a pizza, and enjoy this one. Make sure they’re okay with subtitles though.

Movie Trivia: Sohee, who plays the character Jin-hee, is an ex member of the famous K-POP group Wonder Girls. And if you’re not down with Wonder Girls, you’re clearly not up to speed with Korean Pop, loser. Seriously though, this movie is the 6th-highest grossing domestic film of all time in South Korea. Certainly better than their northern counterparts can produce!

Rating the Flick

Villain: 10/10. These might be the most intense zombies I’ve seen. Really really cool stuff. They’re simple in that they’re not the mostly-decayed farce that Walking Dead and others give us. Rather than trying to scare us with makeup, the director here instead scares us with really fast, aggressive zombies. It’s refreshing to see a well-done zomb.

Scare Factor: 6/10. The director here seems to make a deliberate choice not to go after the cheap jump scares, which I can appreciate. It’s always an in-your-face, heart-pounding scene. And I dig it.

Gore Rating: Moderately Bloody Machete (3/5)

For being an intense zombie movie, I actually thought the gore was a little lacking here. We don’t really get the gut-ripping, flesh-eating goodness that one expects in a movie like this.  A little unfortunate, but it’s not enough to bring this movie down.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Ozzys

This really is the Crazy Train. A really strong movie. I’d say this is definitely in my top 3 zombie movies (28 Days Later, Shaun of the Dead). If you don’t mind subtitles, and you’re into zombie movies, this is a great one. I also read that this is the director’s first live-action movie, having done some animated films prior to this. And it’s a pretty strong debut, for sure. So there you have it. If you’re looking for something different, maybe give Train to Busan a spin. You likely won’t regret it.

Okay! I’m catching up on movies, and I still have one banked, so be on the lookout for that sometime this week. What’s everyone doing for Halloween? Is there anything extra spooky that I should know about? Any clever costume ideas that you’ve seen this year? Feel free to post in the comments, or tweet at me @UnholyCathedral! Happy haunting!

Until next time, brush your teeth.

-Dvo

The Unholy List – 2017 Version

Hey everybody! I’ve got a special update tonight, and it’s something that I probably should have done many, many moons ago. But better late than never, right? Yesterday, received a Twitter request from one of my most loyal followers (and if I’m being honest, he suggested I start this blog five years ago, so I owe him this at least). Anyway, he requested a list of all-time favorite horror movies to check out this season, as well as recommendations for anything available on streaming platforms. So this is going to be short and sweet, but here’s my lists.

Here are movies that I like, currently available on Streaming platforms.

Currently Streaming on Netflix

• Children of the Corn (1984 Stephen King classic. Don’t be dumb like me, and accidentally watch the remake)
• Odd Thomas – It’s a little comic book-y and not too scary, but I thought this was a pretty fun movie, and a decent watch for those who can’t handle the real scary stuff).
• The Invitation – 2016 movie that will keep you guessing the whole time, and is a hidden gem in the genre.
• Hellraiser – Clive Barker classic, and definitely one of my favorites. It’s definitely more on the grotesque side of horror, and the special effects are hokey, but the characters are iconic even today.
• It Follows – Unique story about a monster that never stops pursuing its prey. Use protection, people.
• The Babadook – Critically-acclaimed horror story about a child’s nightmare come to life. I thought it was pretty good, but I may have over-hyped it for myself.

Streaming on Other Services

• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Amazon Prime) – If you’re not familiar… climb out of your nuclear bomb shelter please.
• The Woman in Black (Amazon Prime) – Harry Potter goes to a haunted house
• Saw (Amazon Prime) – The movie that started it all. The original film in the franchise is legitimately fantastic, if you haven’t seen it.
• The Silence of the Lambs (Hulu) – Did you know Hannibal Lecter never says the line “Hello, Clarice?”
• Hostel (Hulu) – This movie gets panned by a lot of people, but I actually think it’s a very clever, and very real-feeling horror movie.
• The Amityville Horror (Hulu) – Another movie that you may see twice during this blog. Timeless scares in this movie based on a true story.

And now, without further ado… here’s the 2017 version of my Top 10 scary movies of all time… in no particular order.

• Sinister
• The Strangers
• The Omen
• The Amityville Horror
• Alien
• The Shining
• The Thing
• The Descent
• The Conjuring (1 and 2)

Honorable Mentions:

• The Orphanage
• It (2017)
• The Ring
• Halloween
• Evil Dead
• Hellraiser

Let me know what you think of my list, and if you feel like something should be added or removed! And happy haunting, kids.

Until next time, enjoy the movies.

-Dvo

 

Night Terrors, or Lack Thereof

 It Comes At Night

Alert! Alert! Two blog posts in as many weeks, and it’s not even October yet. Hopefully this is a sign of good things to come. Welcome back, friends, followers, newcomers, and Deadites, to the Unholy Cathedral. Your source for not-often, mediocre horror reviews. So here’s my story from earlier this week. It was Tuesday evening, and I had a decision to make. Do I… a) Go see It again, because it’s so good, or b) see Mother!, which was getting some mixed reviews, to say the least? After debating for about a half hour, I realized I was running late, so rather than going out, I opted for choice c) rent a movie. I know.. my indecisiveness knows no bounds. But the good news for you is, you’re still getting an Unholy Review.

It Comes At Night was a movie that was pretty strong on my radar when it was in theaters, but I just never got around to seeing it. The trailer was cryptic enough, so as not to really give away much of anything. There’s a family in a rustic house, presumably isolated, and it seemed like something was trying to get in. And, for some reason they’re wearing gas masks. But it looked like a movie with potential to be really creepy, so it’s been on the “to do” list for a while. So I gave it a spin, and, well… …. …. it was weird. Let’s get into this thing.

It Comes At Night is the story of a family just trying to survive. In a post-apocalyptic world, this family is basically sent back to frontier times, living in a house deep in the woods. The grandfather of the family recently succumbed to a highly-contagious disease that presumably was the cause of humanity’s end, so the rest of the family is just trying to live out their days without getting sick. But one day, they’re faced with a new threat.. an outsider who stumbles upon their home. He seems honest enough, but trust is not something given lightly in this world. Only one thing to do… panic.

Put on your gas masks, we’re going to get down with the sickness and take A Closer Look

Villain: Hmm… this is a tough one. I think you could go a lot of ways here, so let’s just completely make 100% baseless assumptions about the disease that’s wiping out humanity. The villain is the evil corporations who couldn’t spare their beloved profit margins, thereby proliferating fossil fuel usage and poisoning our natural resources, resulting in a cataclysmic plague that killed most of the world’s population. Going with it. Disclaimer: This blog has no political affiliations, and this is a joke. Don’t get butthurt, kids.

How Do I Stop It?: Well, since I couldn’t decide on a villain, I definitely can’t decide on how to stop it. Just hope that we don’t see a cataclysmic plague any time soon.

Lessons Learned: I think this movie is a case of bad things happening to good people. Kudos to everyone for trying to make the most of their situation, and overall I think they handle it pretty well for the most part. Biggest lesson is probably this: once the apocalypse happens, there are no new friends. You’re on your own out there folks.

Who Do I Watch With?: If I’m being completely honest, if you’re thinking about watching this movie, I’d consider looking for a different one. Haha. But if you do, I’d watch with someone who won’t be mad at you for making them watch a weird (and not in a good way) movie.

Movie Trivia: I’ll say it this way… the quality of the movie trivia this time matches the quality of the movie. That should be a spoiler for you. But here’s the best I found: The painting shown at the beginning of the movie is entitled “The Triumph of Death.”

Rating the Flick

Villain: 0/10. So here’s the thing. I’ll compare this to The Walking Dead, since there’s some similarities there. It’s the apocalypse, everyone is kind of fending for themselves, and it’s tough to say who is “good” and who is “bad.” Let the record state, I think that show has become a horror dumpster fire. But that’s beside the point. In any case, there wasn’t a stand-out villain, and the conflict in this movie was lacking at best, so this is a well-deserved goose egg.

Scare Factor: 4/10. There’s a few parts that are suspenseful, and a little uneasy. Also, there are some strange dream sequences in this movie. Honestly, if it were not for those dream sequences, I don’t think this movie would even come close to being considered for this blog. Regardless, it’s not that scary, other than a few select scenes.

Gore Rating: Slightly Bloody Machete (2/5)

Again, if not for the dream sequences, this probably wouldn’t deserve any rating whatsoever, but there are a few moments of blood throughout, so it’s not a clean blade.

Overall Rating: 1/5 Riddler Question Marks

Because, seriously… what the hell is this movie? Throughout the movie I was trying to figure out the meaning of the dream sequences. There’s also a few very mysterious parts of the movie that seem like they’re going to become major parts of the plot… only to go nowhere at all. And then there’s that ending. What… why… UGH. This movie was frustrating. I very nearly gave it a zero, but I’m giving it a VERY slight benefit of a doubt. I think the idea was there, and I think the director wanted us to make our own interpretations. But this feels like more of a stinker than a thinker. And as I told a friend at work the next day… For a movie that’s titled It Comes At Night, there really aren’t many things that come at night. Or in the daytime, for that matter. Here’s to hoping that some of the movies this season live up to expectations better than this one.

That’ll wrap up this review of It Comes At Night. So today is the last day of September, which means that tomorrow a lot of tv channels are starting their Halloween programming. Keep your eyes peeled for plenty of spooky shows and movies on the air waves. I have to admit, a guilty pleasure of mine is Halloween Wars on Food network, where they have teams of confectioners & pumpking carvers making insanely-detailed scenes out of cake & candy. But if there’s anything you want to recommend, leave it in the comments!

Until next time, go see It

-Dvo

Let’s Go Floating

It

“Kill! Me? Oh you are priceless, brat! I am eternal, child. I am the eater of worlds, and of children. And you are next!” Ah yes, the soothing words of our most feared clown foe still drive terror into today’s generation, and the Unholy Cathedral is opening its doors for the modern take on Stephen King’s classic. To those of you new to the blog, welcome. And to my Deadites, welcome back! Fall is creeeeeping up on us, and that means the scares and frights are abound. I’m declaring it. It’s officially Halloween season! And what better way to kick it off with the movie that just had the most successful opening weekend for a horror movie in history!

When I think back, it’s probably been 15 years since I’ve seen the original It, and honestly I only remembered the key points. And that’s a bit of a travesty, given Stephen King’s propensity toward details and character development. Pennywise is one of those characters that’s recognized far and wide, but at the same time might still be underappreciated. And I admit, when I first saw the reveal of what the “new gen” of Pennywise would look like, I was a bit skeptical. But that was quickly thrown out the window when I saw trailers, and for the first time in a while, I was genuinely excited for a new horror movie. Then the strong reviews came, and I knew I had to see this over the weekend. So grab some popcorn, and a nice b-b-b-balloon, and let’s float right in.

In the small town of Derry, a group of outcast children are preparing for the summer. It’s been months since Bill’s younger brother Georgie disappeared, but he’s refusing to give up searching, despite the suffering it’s bringing to his parents. Beverly has troubles of her own, both at school and at home, and is in need of a safe place. But she inadvertently becomes a beacon of hope to Ben, the new kid in school. As it happens, summer brings these kids and others together, where they soon realize that the school bully isn’t the biggest of their problems… It seems like there’s something more sinister in this small town, and more and more children are disappearing…

Let’s descend into the sewers, and take A Closer Look.

Villain: Pennywise, a sewer-dwelling clown-monster-thing that’s just up to no damn good. The sewer clowns are the ones you really gotta look out for, guys. Tell your friends.

How Do I Stop It?: Weellllll here’s the thing. The good news is, this guy isn’t around too often. The bad news is, he’s a pretty tough cookie. I recommend just getting the hell out of Derry, if you do encounter this guy. At a bare minimum, keep some sharp weapons on hand. In fact, just do that anyway. All the time. Well, maybe not. You get it.

Lessons Learned: It’s hard to knock these kids for being dumb. After all, they’re kids. But holy crap, there’s a time and a place to be tough. There’s ALSO a time and place where maaaaybe you should tell your parents that there’s a kid using knives on kids at school. But overall, I’m gonna throw some props to these kids, and also give them some balls. Because they’ve got gusto. Here are the props, and the balls. Also, I really played with fire there, when I image searched “balls.” I’m calling this a win.

             

Who Do I Watch With?: I’m the first to admit, normally this part of the blog is completely pointless. But this time I think I actually learned something. You see, last night I was in a PACKED theater. Normally less than ideal, but everyone was well-behaved, so it was fine. But, on the way out, I had a group of high-schoolers behind me, who I’m sure were thinking this was their chance to see the movie that their parents have said was super scary when they were younger. And I overheard them talking about it, and the general vibe was along the lines of “Ehh, it was really slow, and I was just laughing all the time.” There’s one of two lessons here.. either this movie isn’t for everyone, or teenagers just don’t appreciate good films. Or they just don’t want to admit they got scared. I guess that’s 3. Either way, leave the high schoolers at home.

Movie Trivia: Wow… normally the Trivia section on IMDB only has one or two interesting things, but there’s a LOT of cool stuff on there for this movie. I recommend checking out the full list, but only after you’ve seen it. But I think one of the first entries is my favorite:

There are some scenes where Pennywise’s eyes divert in different directions. Originally the director had intended to accomplish this with CGI, but Bill Skarsgård (the actor portraying Pennywise) demonstrated he could do it on his own. And when I read this, I couldn’t believe it. That’s messed up/really impressive.

Okay. Time to get into the deepest part of this well. Rating the Flick

Villain: 10/10. Soooo good. So good. You guys. Skarsgård freaking nails it. Every part of this character was great. From the various facades of Pennywise, to his comical, yet terrifying rendition, this is really great stuff.

Scare Factor: 5/10*** I’ll throw a disclaimer out there here. Clowns don’t really scare me too much. But even with that said, I don’t think this movie is trying to scare the life out of you. It’s just a good, creepy movie, with some decent scares along the way.

Gore Rating: Moderately Bloody Machete (3/5)

When I first thought about this, I was going to go lower, but there are a few pretty graphic scenes in this flick, so consider yourself warned, if you’re squeamish.

Overall Rating: 5/5 Red Balloons

A rare perfect score, but I think this film deserves it. I’m seriously considering paying to see it again in theaters. It’s silly. It’s fun. It’s CREEPY. There’s some really dark themes explored throughout this movie, and we quickly realize that there’s more than one bad guy in Derry. With all that conflict, and a creep-ass clown on the loose, it makes for quite the tale, and I’d say this one was executed masterfully. Really strong flick, in my opinion. This might not be the reaction for everyone, but for this blogger, it hits a really high note. I strongly urge you, if you’re even considering seeing It, to see it before it leaves theaters. It’s worth the admission ticket. No pun intended.

So that’ll wrap up this review of It. I want to throw a shout-out to one of my fellow bloggers, the Lippkromancer, and his wife (the Jamekromancer? Jamityville Horror? Let’s work on this), on their new arrival! And hello to my new youngest Deadite! Years from now, he can look back at this review, and say, “Man that guy is full of beans.” But at least he’ll have it. Also, keep your eyes peeled, because this looks like it could be a strong season for horror movies. Anybody looking forward to any movies in particular? Leave a note in the comments! Also, now is the PERFECT time to recommend this blog to a friend, because you have my word… I’m going to be very active this season. And if you’re new, be sure to “Unleash Hell” on the top left, so my updates go straight to your e-mail! Let’s get some new Deadites! And go check out It, in theaters now.

Until next time, my children…

Float.

-Dvo

Demons and Dolls (…and football???)

 Annabelle: Creation

Did you know that zombies don’t eat popcorn with their fingers? They eat the fingers separately. Hey all you Deadites, welcome back to the Unholy Cathedral. Your source for all things spooky. Er.. maybe, some things spooky… on occasion… maybe. You know, summer is a busy time. I intended to publish this last night, but I literally fell asleep with my laptop on top of me. So I figured I should probably take my time and put something half-way (and I do stress half-way) decent. No hustling whatsoever on this blog. But nonetheless, the Cathedral is back open, and this week we’re looking at a fresh film that just opened this weekend… Annabelle: Creation.

Anabelle: Creation is the work of David F. Sandberg, who’s relatively new to the horror scene, but did release Lights Out last year. And already, he’s earned the right to direct a movie in The Conjuring universe. I’ll go on record and say that any movie in this universe will be getting my money. They’ve yet to let me down. So let’s dive right in and take a look at this weird-ass devil doll.

Annabelle: Creation is the story of a group of young orphan girls who make their way to a new orphanage, along with their caretaker, a nun. The orphanage is a remote home, where a man and his wife reside. But unbeknownst to the girls, this couple has a dark history, having lost their daughter in a tragic accident years ago. Regardless, it’s a nice, big place for the girls to stay, and it seems comfortable at first glance. But the matriarch has been isolated in her room due to an accident, and is therefore ULTRA weird. Also, what’s with the locked room upstairs?

Drop the Malibu Ken doll, and let’s go in for A Closer Look

Random Side note: Last night I learned that one of my friends is legitimately putting in a lot of effort to watch re-runs of Reba. Discuss in the comments.

Villain: A sinister demon using a creepy doll as a conduit, with the intention of stealing little girls’ souls. Gotta pay the troll toll, to get to that girl’s soul.

How Do I Stop It?: Well… should you mistakenly summon an evil entity like this into your house (every Friday night at my house), best bet is to seek help immediately. Weapons aren’t going to do you much good in this fight. Keep a bible handy, and start going to church, ya heathens.

Lessons Learned: Now this might be insensitive, but c’mon. If you lose a loved one, the appropriate reaction is NOT to try and make contact with their dead spirit. And man, kids are so naive. Suppose you’ve seen some REAL weird stuff going on in the last few nights. As in, locked doors opening on their own, and scary things doing more than just bumping in the night. I would certainly hope that you wouldn’t choose to literally go fishing (ghosting?) for spirits with retractable toy gun.

Who Do I Watch With?: This one’s safe for just about anyone who’s okay with some scares. Not too gory or macabre, but it does have some intense moments. Maybe invite your parents out to a movie night. Nothing brings the family together like scaring the crap out of your mom. The Unholy Cathedral: advocate of family bonding.

Movie Trivia: Really not a lot to go on here, other than the director is re-hashing his relationship with a few actors in this movie, from their work on Lights Out. Also, there are multiple references to some other movies in The Conjuring universe throughout the film.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 5/10. Creepy for sure, but we’ve seen this guy before. And a friend pointed out that he’s a lot more visible in this movie, and I think it takes a little bit away from the mystique of him. I’ve seen better, but also seen worse.

Scare Factor: 6/10. Definitely creepy, but not terrifying. There were a few jump scares that got me, but I think in terms of The Conjuring universe, this is the tamest film of the four so far.

Gore Rating: Clean Machete (0/5)!

You’re not getting any blood nor guts here. That machete is prime for some slashing. I think it’s been a while since I’ve seen a really gory movie. Might have to watch Dead Alive! again or something.

Overall Rating: 3 Shrunken Heads

Back to my roots for a change. Annabelle: Creation is pretty solid overall. I enjoyed the film overall, and it has a good ending to tie things together. This one definitely isn’t in my true upper echelon, but I’d say it’s worth the ticket price to see it in theaters. And apparently now with MoviePass, you can see as many movies as you want for $10/month. Man.. I sound like a complete shill now. Not intentional, I promise. Anyway, that’ll wrap up this review of Annabelle: Creation. If you saw it, what did you think? Leave a comment if you liked it (or didn’t)!

Now time for an even more shameless plug. I’m trying to work my way into an exclusive ESPN fantasy football league, and I figure that throwing a shout-out to the official 06010 podcast and TV show on here couldn’t hurt! So if you’re into fantasy football, and you want some equally not-hustling fantasy football analysis, check out the Fantasy Focus podcast, and also The Fantasy Show. It’s a pretty good time. Let’s make The Unholy Cathedral the official horror blog of the 06010!

Until next time, BURN ALL OF THE DOLLS.

-Dvo

Les Filles Incompétentes

Martyrs

Greetings, my loyal followers. I still need a name for fans of this blog… accepting recommendations. In any case, welcome back to the Unholy Cathedral. This week I’ve got a new contributor submitting a review for this blog, my good friend The Lipcromancer. So let’s just jump right in with a review of Martyrs.

I bid you a good evening, disciples of the Unholy. I’ve had the pleasure of the Cathedral doors creaking open for me to host you at this, your hour of doom. So please, move those boxes in the corner by that rusty knight armor (mind the ax) and have a seat… for tonight, we discuss The Martyrs, a French film by Pascal Laugier. This movie came recommended to me via the creator of one of my favorite webcomics, “The Last Halloween,” Abby Howard. Technically, it was via one of her comic-blog entries where she ran down her favorite horror movies. Find it here:

https://www.jspowerhour.com/comics/215

I will tell you that all of the movies that I’ve seen on this list are wonderful movies (I still haven’t seen Nightbreed)… eeexcept this one. However, she sort of half-recommended Martyrs and warned that it was a little rough to watch compared to the campiness of the others. It follows the misadventure of 2 young women, one of whom being a survivor of a pretty bad episode of torture and abuse as a child. What follows is half revenge movie, half torture flick. Yes my fellow Unholy fanatics, this movie is more or less two 45-minute plots rolled up into one. The transition isn’t seamless, and the only discomfort I felt during this movie was during the triple overtime spent in this house where our heroines basically committed a crime. Had this been the get-in/get-out operation it should have been, our girls might have turned out okay, but apparently they took an extra does of Fuck-Around OTC with their stupid pills that morning.

This movie is what you get when you combine the feel-good parts of Taken and Girl with the Dragon Tattoo with Natalie Portman’s “torture” scene from V for Vendetta and Hostel if it had a grant from the NSF. Sprinkle on top of all that a little bit of soft lesbian and medium misogynistic undertones, and you have every house party at Bradley University Martyrs. Sorry not sorry, but no one I call a friend should bother watching this movie. First of all, it’s French (the version I watched had a decent English dub track), and much like my first exposure to the French (besides the cut of their potatoes), Pepé le Pew, it stinks.

All right, so it’s not that terrible, but mon dieu, hold onto your berets and let’s go in for A Closer Look

 

Villain:

Inner demons manifested by a not-so-repressed traumatic experience and white people with too much money who really don’t like the uncertainty of dying.

How Do I Stop It?

Pass the 2nd grade. Honestly the only people who would have found themselves in this pickle are the same people who wouldn’t have figured out that Heinz “Chicago Dog Sauce” is really ketchup. You will never convince me that those people didn’t know that was ketchup. 

Lessons learned: 

FFS, broads… every time… Let’s just say that you DID make the decision to follow your crazy friend from childhood who sees demons around on a revenge spree for about a decade, crushing on them the whole time. Next, after you help clean up her latest mess – after which she offs herself, thanks for that – you stick around the crime scene for, oh I don’t know, 2 days. Then, after you begin to think that maybe she was a little nuts and start to doubt her backstory, you find a mysterious passageway in said house that’s leads down… down… down… the darkest stairs you’ve ever seen. 99% of peoples “GTFO Alarm (R)” should be in the red at this point, and it is at this point that you should completely agree with me that whatever harm falls upon this girl is completely deserved, yes? Good. Moving on… BUT, let’s say you wander down these stairs into a hallway with pictures of mutilated people adorning the walls. My GTFO Alarm’s needle has broken off at this point, and I feel like the universe has sent me plenty of red flags so far. Oh what the hell, let’s keep going, right? Past the Hall of Pictures of Doom, on your left, you’ll find a locked door on the floor. Unlock that shit with some keys you found, drop that steel ladder, and head on down into what is now the darkest hole you’ve ever seen (oh, behave). Behold! A torture victim! What happens next? You guessed it! We’re going to help said victim back up into the house where, yadda yadda yadda, YOU GET CAUGHT BY BAD PEOPLE! Man, if only you had 34 chances to stop, think, and get outta there. Of course, it doesn’t really matter because I stopped caring about what happens to your dumb ass when you went down the stairs. Capiche?

Who Do I Watch This With?

A lab puppy so that you’ll have something to keep you occupied while this plays in the background. Also, no one.

Movie Trivia: Girl 1, Mylène Jampanoï, sure is a cutey-patooty!

Rating the Flick

 

Villain: 7/10 then 2/10. The inner demon that the main character battles is pretty dope to be honest. It looks pretty good and hints at A Nightmare on Elm Street. As for the 2nd half, I’m not a fan of torture-themed films, and their antagonists are usually just middle-aged, rich white guys who get their jollies doing the worst things to innocent people. This is only slightly different in that their motivations are a little obscure. See below if you want a little more in the way of spoilers.

Scare Factor: 4/10. It got me once or twice with a fun jump-scare in the first half. The second half is more conceptual fear, weird pictures for a moment, and straight-up violence.

Gore Rating: Moderately Bloody Machete (3/5)

This is where some may disagree with me. There’s lots of blood and squeamish acts but nothing that made my stomach turn. Speaking of blood, my heavens, I wish I had the hitpoints that these girls have. I think Girl 1 experienced about 53 deep lacerations and seemed to be doing fine till her final moments #DatWolverineRegenDoh. I’d say this movie has way more violence than gore. Also, the violence in the torture parts are 100% focused on women, so some may get upset with that concept.

Overall Rating: 1/5 Unwelcome Advances From Pepé le Pew

Isn’t that clever? I mixed the French and misogyny. I think I’ve made my case well enough as to why this movie was sub-par, so let me just give away some plot here. The first half is pretty straight forward and, well, good. The revenge and demon action that accompanies this half is solid and does provide some backstory in what’s to come in the 2nd half. No harm there. Once cutey-patooty takes a hike, we see Girl 2 just keep fucking up until there’s no turning back. She just makes it so hard to sympathize with her by the time she gets in the shit. Anyway, what we have here is a kind of society of experimenters torturing people situation. What are they after? Well, they’re convinced that people who undergo extreme trauma and pain (read: torture), and live, eventually get to a point of euphoria (DMT?) and can see over into the next life. Girl 2, while not looking too good at the end of it all (they go all Predator on her, besides her face, after what is probably months of beating the shit out of her and force-feeding her what looks like spicy mustard), is their breakthrough. She tells the main antagonist/orchestrator (an old woman) what she experiences, and granny is so into it that she blows her own brains out. Seems a little hasty if you ask me as (1) n=1 (you are a shitty researcher), (2) you really didn’t have anything you wanted to do on Earth anymore? Cocoa Puffs and Cedar Point still exist and that afterlife ain’t going anywhere, and (3) she’s assuming the afterlife is the same for everyone regardless if you were tortured for months or the one administering the torturing. But hey, what the hell do I know?

That’s all I got. Let’s get the heck out of this Unholy Cathedral before the Master comes back. Aw, man, who spilled a full glass of water on the floor and didn’t clean it up?

Yeah, Git outta here. Go on, GIT. Hopefully yours truly will be back with another review soon, but a special thanks to the Lipcromancer for stepping in and submitting this great review.

Until next time, stay cool.

-Dvo/Lipcromancer

Da Whistle Goes WOOOOOOO

Midnight Meat Train

*creeeeeaaaaakk* Oh hello there. Please do come in. For those of you who have been here before, welcome once again to The Unholy Cathedral. But I have at least one new follower since last time, so if this is your first jaunt into the darkness, I hope your stay is pleasant… or rotten, as it were. Today we’re talking about Midnight Meat Train, a film based on a short story by Clive Barker (of Hellraiser fame, amongst others). I’d heard about this for a while, and saw that it was available on Netflix, so I gave it a.. stream? I stream blasted the hell out of it? I’m accepting ideas for new idioms referring to watching a movie. Let’s get into this before this Meat Train really goes off the rails.

A year before Bradley Cooper was in Zach Galifianakis’ Wolfpack in The Hangover, he was playing a man named Leon, who’s an aspiring photographer in New York. And like many photographers, they’re really trying to capture the gritty side of the city. You know, the parts with all the Nets fans. But he’s challenged by a successful artist to provide some photographs for her gallery, and slowly he uncovers a pattern of missing people. They’re all along a certain subway line. And as he digs further, he keeps encountering a strange man… Only one thing to do in this case. Stalk him! What could possibly go wrong?

Let’s see how badly things go wrong, as we go in for A Closer Look

Villain: Vinnie Jones (slow clap)! For real though, a mysterious butcher who’s riding the subway with sinister intentions.

How Do I Stop Him?: Well, the best advice I can give here is to avoid riding subways by yourself late at night. Nothing good is coming from that. It’s going to take you a long time to get where you’re going, you’re only going to meet the ultra-weirdos, and you’ll probably step in a bodily fluid of some sort along the way. But should you encounter this guy, just keep your eyes on him, don’t let him sneak up on you, and hopefully you brought a weapon to defend yourself.

Lessons Learned: The police, people. They work. I know, there’s the whole brutality thing. Whatever. But come on. If you’re tracking a dude who’s literally making people disappear, maybe you should take a step back and think things through. Also.. see the stuff above about subways. Also Subway restaurants. Jared Fogel, am I right?

Who Do I Watch With?: Here’s the thing. This is kind of a weird one. But it also has Bradley Cooper, who I’m given to understand is liked by the ladies. So I guess find a weird chick. That may apply to all movies though.

Movie Trivia: In Silver Linings Playbook, Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence walk past a movie theater playing Midnight Meat Train. Also, this film’s opening in theaters was limited to only 102 “dollar” theaters, which was a major factor in its poor box office performance. And that’s the ONLY reason, trust me.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 6/10. Simple. Elegant. Effective. Nuprin. I liked the mystery behind our bad guy, and his motives aren’t really known… at least for a while. An interesting character, but there’s still room for improvement.

Scare Factor: 4/10.  Certainly not the scariest thing I’ve seen. There’s some suspense, and there’s a predominant dark tone to the movie, but in terms of actual scares, they’re pretty rare. The ending is pretty interesting though..

Gore Rating: Very Bloody Machete (4/5)

A movie named Midnight Meat Train almost needs to have plenty of blood and guts, and I’d say it delivers. If blood makes you cringe, you might want to stay away from this train.

Overall Rating: 2.5 Meatball Subs

See what I did there? 😀 😀 I admit, it’s not my best work. But this is why I’m on the WordPress express, kiddos. Anyway, Midnight Meat Train lands somewhere in the middle for me. I liked the overall idea, and on paper it’s really cool. But there were parts of the movie that seemed a little forced to me, and the ending was kind of out there. But Vinnie Jones (who I recently learned played in the English Premier League) delivers a solid performance per usual, and I wasn’t entirely disappointed. If you’re a fan of horror, and looking for something a little less mainstream than your normal movies, this might be the one for you. So feel free to Netflix this so hard. Or… Roku your face off? Really need to work on that.

That’ll wrap this review up. Can I ask a favor though? I’m going to try to keep this blog going, but I want to see how big we can get this thing. Do me a favor and tell ONE person about this blog. A simple request, and maybe it’ll lead to more followers. I’m always looking for new fans (and suggestions). A friend literally told me 3 times in a row that I should see Alien: Covenant this weekend, but we’ll see whether or not that happens. I’m admittedly a little disappointed with the horror offerings lately. There’s not much that’s really catching my eye, other than It! Which, if you haven’t seen that trailer… well… I’ll just post it here for your enjoyment (for those reading in e-mail, you’ll have to go to the site for the video–deal with it).

Until next time, maybe give Uber a shot.

-Dvo

Space Cases

 Life

Spring has arrived, y’all! We survived winter, and things are warming up. And with spring comes new beginnings, which is our topic today… Hold on tight, because we’re leaving this planet. First things first though. Welcome back to the Unholy Cathedral. I am your caretaker, Dvo, and over the weekend I saw the recently-released sci-fi/horror flick Life. Full disclosure, I wasn’t sure what to expect here. The preview (for once) didn’t give away a whole lot, and I went in expecting more of a thriller than a horror movie. But imagine my reaction when things started getting creepy! Nothing more soothing than some blood and guts, am I right? Let’s get into this.

Life is a story about the astronauts aboard the ISS (International Space Station, but if you didn’t know that, deduct one point from your hp) who are on a mission to retrieve a cargo capsule that departed from Mars, carrying some items from the Red Planet. As I’m sure you’ve guessed, they do recover this capsule, and on it, they find a few things. One of which, is intriguing to say the least. A specimen that seems to have a cellular structure, and has flagella, of sorts. In other words… possibly life beyond earth. But a funny thing happens after some experiments… the creature appears to be reacting to some stimuli. Only one thing to do now, right? MORE EXPERIMENTS. What could go wrong? 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

Life is directed by Daniel Espinosa, who’s relatively new to the game in terms of directing. This appears to be his first movie in the horror genre, and it’s a pretty strong debut! I think Event Horizon and obviously the Alien saga (read: NOT Jason X) are the golden standards for outer space horror, but this flick definitely holds its own. It’s got its scares, certainly some gore, and it’s an intense ride from start to finish.

Put on your space suits in, Blasting Off for A Closer Look in 3…. 2…. 1….

Villain: An alien creature from Mars

How do I Stop It?: Hell if I know! Pray to God that you aren’t ever confronted with one of these bad boys. My best recommendation is to cancel those plans for that Mars all-inclusive vacation you were planning.

Lessons Learned: A whole bunch. Let me start with a question though… Do we really need to find life beyond Earth? I don’t want to get super meta here, but what’s wrong with good ol’ humanity? I think all of you are perfect. In fact, I think yo BRAIN is a shooting star. With that said.. if we ever DO find an alien, the last thing I want to do is try to PISS THE HELL OUT OF IT. Scientists are just dumb. FO REAL. Next lesson. If you’re going to quarantine a room, make damn sure the room is actually quarantined. Basic stuff here, kids. There’s one more big lesson, but I’d be ruining the movie if I said it. Let’s just agree that they messed up a whole bunch of times. #YaBlewIt

Who Do I Watch With?: This is a pretty intense movie. Not for the faint of heart. So maybe put the kids to bed, and invite your bravest friend over. And tell him to bring a pizza. Preferably one with pineapple. #TeamPineapple.

Movie Trivia: Nothing too great here… but here’s what I’ve got. Ryan Reynolds was supposed to play the lead in this film, but due to scheduling conflicts with another film, he instead took a supporting role. Also, this is Skydance’s first R-rated film.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 9/10. This thing is pretty bad ass, as far as badass aliens go. In the spirit of not spoiling things, I won’t go into details. But know that Calvin is not to be messed with.

Scare Factor: 6/10. I think overall this movie is more “intense” than it is “scary,” but don’t think that this is light, good-humored fun. This is an edge-of-your-seat kind of movie that is gripping the whole way.

Gore Rating: 4/5. Very Bloody Machete!

Goriest movie I’ve seen in a while! There were a few moments in Life that really made me cringe, and at one point I even made an audible sound of disgust. Not for the faint of heart. This is pretty grotesque in some parts, but in a very good way.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Martians

LOOK HOW SCARY IT IS. I told you we shouldn’t mess with these things, whatever they are. All Matt Damon jokes aside, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. I did kind of see the ending coming, but it was still really solid nonetheless. Apparently there’s a fan theory that this movie might be a prequel to an upcoming film, so we’ll see how that pans out. But either way, Life delivers the intensity, and is worth the ticket price to check it out in theaters.

That’s going to wrap up this review, but a few quick notes before I depart. First, I normally don’t plug other things on here (but I’m not opposed, so let me know if you’re interested in 40-ish people getting a blog plug, haha), but a friend of mine turned me on to a pretty hilarious podcast lately, and I definitely recommend it if you’re into paranormal/conspiracy theories kinds of topics. Or even if you just want to laugh at it, because it’s great. It’s called “The Unbelievable Podcast,” and can be found with a simple Google search. Check it out, and learn to unlearn everything you know! Anyway.. hopefully I’ll be back again soon with more scares. Keep the requests coming!

Until next time, keep blasting off.

-Dvo