Demons and Dolls (…and football???)

Posted in Devil, Ghost/Demon with tags , , , on August 15, 2017 by dtrain1008

ANNABELLE-CREATION-POSTER Annabelle: Creation

Did you know that zombies don’t eat popcorn with their fingers? They eat the fingers separately. Hey all you Deadites, welcome back to the Unholy Cathedral. Your source for all things spooky. Er.. maybe, some things spooky… on occasion… maybe. You know, summer is a busy time. I intended to publish this last night, but I literally fell asleep with my laptop on top of me. So I figured I should probably take my time and put something half-way (and I do stress half-way) decent. No hustling whatsoever on this blog. But nonetheless, the Cathedral is back open, and this week we’re looking at a fresh film that just opened this weekend… Annabelle: Creation.

Anabelle: Creation is the work of David F. Sandberg, who’s relatively new to the horror scene, but did release Lights Out last year. And already, he’s earned the right to direct a movie in The Conjuring universe. I’ll go on record and say that any movie in this universe will be getting my money. They’ve yet to let me down. So let’s dive right in and take a look at this weird-ass devil doll.

Annabelle: Creation is the story of a group of young orphan girls who make their way to a new orphanage, along with their caretaker, a nun. The orphanage is a remote home, where a man and his wife reside. But unbeknownst to the girls, this couple has a dark history, having lost their daughter in a tragic accident years ago. Regardless, it’s a nice, big place for the girls to stay, and it seems comfortable at first glance. But the matriarch has been isolated in her room due to an accident, and is therefore ULTRA weird. Also, what’s with the locked room upstairs?

Drop the Malibu Ken doll, and let’s go in for A Closer Look

Random Side note: Last night I learned that one of my friends is legitimately putting in a lot of effort to watch re-runs of Reba. Discuss in the comments.

Villain: A sinister demon using a creepy doll as a conduit, with the intention of stealing little girls’ souls. Gotta pay the troll toll, to get to that girl’s soul.

How Do I Stop It?: Well… should you mistakenly summon an evil entity like this into your house (every Friday night at my house), best bet is to seek help immediately. Weapons aren’t going to do you much good in this fight. Keep a bible handy, and start going to church, ya heathens.

Lessons Learned: Now this might be insensitive, but c’mon. If you lose a loved one, the appropriate reaction is NOT to try and make contact with their dead spirit. And man, kids are so naive. Suppose you’ve seen some REAL weird stuff going on in the last few nights. As in, locked doors opening on their own, and scary things doing more than just bumping in the night. I would certainly hope that you wouldn’t choose to literally go fishing (ghosting?) for spirits with retractable toy gun.

Who Do I Watch With?: This one’s safe for just about anyone who’s okay with some scares. Not too gory or macabre, but it does have some intense moments. Maybe invite your parents out to a movie night. Nothing brings the family together like scaring the crap out of your mom. The Unholy Cathedral: advocate of family bonding.

Movie Trivia: Really not a lot to go on here, other than the director is re-hashing his relationship with a few actors in this movie, from their work on Lights Out. Also, there are multiple references to some other movies in The Conjuring universe throughout the film.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 5/10. Creepy for sure, but we’ve seen this guy before. And a friend pointed out that he’s a lot more visible in this movie, and I think it takes a little bit away from the mystique of him. I’ve seen better, but also seen worse.

Scare Factor: 6/10. Definitely creepy, but not terrifying. There were a few jump scares that got me, but I think in terms of The Conjuring universe, this is the tamest film of the four so far.

Gore Rating: Clean Machete (0/5)!

0_5_machete

You’re not getting any blood nor guts here. That machete is prime for some slashing. I think it’s been a while since I’ve seen a really gory movie. Might have to watch Dead Alive! again or something.

Overall Rating: 3 Shrunken Heads

3_shrunken_heads

Back to my roots for a change. AnnabelleCreation is pretty solid overall. I enjoyed the film overall, and it has a good ending to tie things together. This one definitely isn’t in my true upper echelon, but I’d say it’s worth the ticket price to see it in theaters. And apparently now with MoviePass, you can see as many movies as you want for $10/month. Man.. I sound like a complete shill now. Not intentional, I promise. Anyway, that’ll wrap up this review of Annabelle: Creation. If you saw it, what did you think? Leave a comment if you liked it (or didn’t)!

Now time for an even more shameless plug. I’m trying to work my way into an exclusive ESPN fantasy football league, and I figure that throwing a shout-out to the official 06010 podcast and TV show on here couldn’t hurt! So if you’re into fantasy football, and you want some equally not-hustling fantasy football analysis, check out the Fantasy Focus podcast, and also The Fantasy Show. It’s a pretty good time. Let’s make The Unholy Cathedral the official horror blog of the 06010!

Until next time, BURN ALL OF THE DOLLS.

-Dvo

Les Filles Incompétentes

Posted in Other on July 23, 2017 by dtrain1008
Martyrs
Greetings, my loyal followers. I still need a name for fans of this blog… accepting recommendations. In any case, welcome back to the Unholy Cathedral. This week I’ve got a new contributor submitting a review for this blog, my good friend The Lipcromancer. So let’s just jump right in with a review of Martyrs.
I bid you a good evening, disciples of the Unholy. I’ve had the pleasure of the Cathedral doors creaking open for me to host you at this, your hour of doom. So please, move those boxes in the corner by that rusty knight armor (mind the ax) and have a seat… for tonight, we discuss The Martyrs, a French film by Pascal Laugier. This movie came recommended to me via the creator of one of my favorite webcomics, “The Last Halloween,” Abby Howard. Technically, it was via one of her comic-blog entries where she ran down her favorite horror movies. Find it here:
I will tell you that all of the movies that I’ve seen on this list are wonderful movies (I still haven’t seen Nightbreed)… eeexcept this one. However, she sort of half-recommended Martyrs and warned that it was a little rough to watch compared to the campiness of the others. It follows the misadventure of 2 young women, one of whom being a survivor of a pretty bad episode of torture and abuse as a child. What follows is half revenge movie, half torture flick. Yes my fellow Unholy fanatics, this movie is more or less two 45-minute plots rolled up into one. The transition isn’t seamless, and the only discomfort I felt during this movie was during the triple overtime spent in this house where our heroines basically committed a crime. Had this been the get-in/get-out operation it should have been, our girls might have turned out okay, but apparently they took an extra does of Fuck-Around OTC with their stupid pills that morning.
This movie is what you get when you combine the feel-good parts of Taken and Girl with the Dragon Tattoo with Natalie Portman’s “torture” scene from V for Vendetta and Hostel if it had a grant from the NSF. Sprinkle on top of all that a little bit of soft lesbian and medium misogynistic undertones, and you have every house party at Bradley University MartyrsSorry not sorry, but no one I call a friend should bother watching this movie. First of all, it’s French (the version I watched had a decent English dub track), and much like my first exposure to the French (besides the cut of their potatoes), Pepé le Pew, it stinks.
All right, so it’s not that terrible, but mon dieu, hold onto your berets and let’s go in for A Closer Look
 
Villain:
Inner demons manifested by a not-so-repressed traumatic experience and white people with too much money who really don’t like the uncertainty of dying.
How Do I Stop It?
Pass the 2nd grade. Honestly the only people who would have found themselves in this pickle are the same people who wouldn’t have figured out that Heinz “Chicago Dog Sauce” is really ketchup. You will never convince me that those people didn’t know that was ketchup. 
Lessons learned: 
FFS, broads… every time… Let’s just say that you DID make the decision to follow your crazy friend from childhood who sees demons around on a revenge spree for about a decade, crushing on them the whole time. Next, after you help clean up her latest mess – after which she offs herself, thanks for that – you stick around the crime scene for, oh I don’t know, 2 days. Then, after you begin to think that maybe she was a little nuts and start to doubt her backstory, you find a mysterious passageway in said house that’s leads down… down… down… the darkest stairs you’ve ever seen. 99% of peoples “GTFO Alarm (R)” should be in the red at this point, and it is at this point that you should completely agree with me that whatever harm falls upon this girl is completely deserved, yes? Good. Moving on… BUT, let’s say you wander down these stairs into a hallway with pictures of mutilated people adorning the walls. My GTFO Alarm’s needle has broken off at this point, and I feel like the universe has sent me plenty of red flags so far. Oh what the hell, let’s keep going, right? Past the Hall of Pictures of Doom, on your left, you’ll find a locked door on the floor. Unlock that shit with some keys you found, drop that steel ladder, and head on down into what is now the darkest hole you’ve ever seen (oh, behave). Behold! A torture victim! What happens next? You guessed it! We’re going to help said victim back up into the house where, yadda yadda yadda, YOU GET CAUGHT BY BAD PEOPLE! Man, if only you had 34 chances to stop, think, and get outta there. Of course, it doesn’t really matter because I stopped caring about what happens to your dumb ass when you went down the stairs. Capiche?
Who Do I Watch This With?
A lab puppy so that you’ll have something to keep you occupied while this plays in the background. Also, no one.
Movie Trivia: Girl 1, Mylène Jampanoï, sure is a cutey-patooty!
Rating the Flick
 
Villain: 7/10 then 2/10. The inner demon that the main character battles is pretty dope to be honest. It looks pretty good and hints at A Nightmare on Elm Street. As for the 2nd half, I’m not a fan of torture-themed films, and their antagonists are usually just middle-aged, rich white guys who get their jollies doing the worst things to innocent people. This is only slightly different in that their motivations are a little obscure. See below if you want a little more in the way of spoilers.
Scare Factor: 4/10. It got me once or twice with a fun jump-scare in the first half. The second half is more conceptual fear, weird pictures for a moment, and straight-up violence.
Gore Rating: Moderately Bloody Machete (3/5)
3_5_machete
This is where some may disagree with me. There’s lots of blood and squeamish acts but nothing that made my stomach turn. Speaking of blood, my heavens, I wish I had the hitpoints that these girls have. I think Girl 1 experienced about 53 deep lacerations and seemed to be doing fine till her final moments #DatWolverineRegenDoh. I’d say this movie has way more violence than gore. Also, the violence in the torture parts are 100% focused on women, so some may get upset with that concept.
Overall Rating: 1/5 Unwelcome Advances From Pepé le Pew
Inline image 1
Isn’t that clever? I mixed the French and misogyny. I think I’ve made my case well enough as to why this movie was sub-par, so let me just give away some plot here. The first half is pretty straight forward and, well, good. The revenge and demon action that accompanies this half is solid and does provide some backstory in what’s to come in the 2nd half. No harm there. Once cutey-patooty takes a hike, we see Girl 2 just keep fucking up until there’s no turning back. She just makes it so hard to sympathize with her by the time she gets in the shit. Anyway, what we have here is a kind of society of experimenters torturing people situation. What are they after? Well, they’re convinced that people who undergo extreme trauma and pain (read: torture), and live, eventually get to a point of euphoria (DMT?) and can see over into the next life. Girl 2, while not looking too good at the end of it all (they go all Predator on her, besides her face, after what is probably months of beating the shit out of her and force-feeding her what looks like spicy mustard), is their breakthrough. She tells the main antagonist/orchestrator (an old woman) what she experiences, and granny is so into it that she blows her own brains out. Seems a little hasty if you ask me as (1) n=1 (you are a shitty researcher), (2) you really didn’t have anything you wanted to do on Earth anymore? Cocoa Puffs and Cedar Point still exist and that afterlife ain’t going anywhere, and (3) she’s assuming the afterlife is the same for everyone regardless if you were tortured for months or the one administering the torturing. But hey, what the hell do I know?
That’s all I got. Let’s get the heck out of this Unholy Cathedral before the Master comes back. Aw, man, who spilled a full glass of water on the floor and didn’t clean it up?
Yeah, Git outta here. Go on, GIT. Hopefully yours truly will be back with another review soon, but a special thanks to the Lipcromancer for stepping in and submitting this great review.
Until next time, stay cool.
-Dvo/Lipcromancer

Da Whistle Goes WOOOOOOO

Posted in Demented Human, Strange Creature with tags , , , , , , on May 15, 2017 by dtrain1008

midnight_meat_train

Midnight Meat Train

*creeeeeaaaaakk* Oh hello there. Please do come in. For those of you who have been here before, welcome once again to The Unholy Cathedral. But I have at least one new follower since last time, so if this is your first jaunt into the darkness, I hope your stay is pleasant… or rotten, as it were. Today we’re talking about Midnight Meat Train, a film based on a short story by Clive Barker (of Hellraiser fame, amongst others). I’d heard about this for a while, and saw that it was available on Netflix, so I gave it a.. stream? I stream blasted the hell out of it? I’m accepting ideas for new idioms referring to watching a movie. Let’s get into this before this Meat Train really goes off the rails.

A year before Bradley Cooper was in Zach Galifianakis’ Wolfpack in The Hangover, he was playing a man named Leon, who’s an aspiring photographer in New York. And like many photographers, they’re really trying to capture the gritty side of the city. You know, the parts with all the Nets fans. But he’s challenged by a successful artist to provide some photographs for her gallery, and slowly he uncovers a pattern of missing people. They’re all along a certain subway line. And as he digs further, he keeps encountering a strange man… Only one thing to do in this case. Stalk him! What could possibly go wrong?

Let’s see how badly things go wrong, as we go in for A Closer Look

Villain: Vinnie Jones (slow clap)! For real though, a mysterious butcher who’s riding the subway with sinister intentions.

How Do I Stop Him?: Well, the best advice I can give here is to avoid riding subways by yourself late at night. Nothing good is coming from that. It’s going to take you a long time to get where you’re going, you’re only going to meet the ultra-weirdos, and you’ll probably step in a bodily fluid of some sort along the way. But should you encounter this guy, just keep your eyes on him, don’t let him sneak up on you, and hopefully you brought a weapon to defend yourself.

Lessons Learned: The police, people. They work. I know, there’s the whole brutality thing. Whatever. But come on. If you’re tracking a dude who’s literally making people disappear, maybe you should take a step back and think things through. Also.. see the stuff above about subways. Also Subway restaurants. Jared Fogel, am I right?

Who Do I Watch With?: Here’s the thing. This is kind of a weird one. But it also has Bradley Cooper, who I’m given to understand is liked by the ladies. So I guess find a weird chick. That may apply to all movies though.

Movie Trivia: In Silver Linings Playbook, Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence walk past a movie theater playing Midnight Meat Train. Also, this film’s opening in theaters was limited to only 102 “dollar” theaters, which was a major factor in its poor box office performance. And that’s the ONLY reason, trust me.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 6/10. Simple. Elegant. Effective. Nuprin. I liked the mystery behind our bad guy, and his motives aren’t really known… at least for a while. An interesting character, but there’s still room for improvement.

Scare Factor: 4/10.  Certainly not the scariest thing I’ve seen. There’s some suspense, and there’s a predominant dark tone to the movie, but in terms of actual scares, they’re pretty rare. The ending is pretty interesting though..

Gore Rating: Very Bloody Machete (4/5)

4_5_machete

A movie named Midnight Meat Train almost needs to have plenty of blood and guts, and I’d say it delivers. If blood makes you cringe, you might want to stay away from this train.

Overall Rating: 2.5 Meatball Subs

meatball

See what I did there? 😀 😀 I admit, it’s not my best work. But this is why I’m on the WordPress express, kiddos. Anyway, Midnight Meat Train lands somewhere in the middle for me. I liked the overall idea, and on paper it’s really cool. But there were parts of the movie that seemed a little forced to me, and the ending was kind of out there. But Vinnie Jones (who I recently learned played in the English Premier League) delivers a solid performance per usual, and I wasn’t entirely disappointed. If you’re a fan of horror, and looking for something a little less mainstream than your normal movies, this might be the one for you. So feel free to Netflix this so hard. Or… Roku your face off? Really need to work on that.

That’ll wrap this review up. Can I ask a favor though? I’m going to try to keep this blog going, but I want to see how big we can get this thing. Do me a favor and tell ONE person about this blog. A simple request, and maybe it’ll lead to more followers. I’m always looking for new fans (and suggestions). A friend literally told me 3 times in a row that I should see Alien: Covenant this weekend, but we’ll see whether or not that happens. I’m admittedly a little disappointed with the horror offerings lately. There’s not much that’s really catching my eye, other than It! Which, if you haven’t seen that trailer… well… I’ll just post it here for your enjoyment (for those reading in e-mail, you’ll have to go to the site for the video–deal with it).

Until next time, maybe give Uber a shot.

-Dvo

Space Cases

Posted in Alien with tags , , , , , , on April 6, 2017 by dtrain1008

life_poster Life

Spring has arrived, y’all! We survived winter, and things are warming up. And with spring comes new beginnings, which is our topic today… Hold on tight, because we’re leaving this planet. First things first though. Welcome back to the Unholy Cathedral. I am your caretaker, Dvo, and over the weekend I saw the recently-released sci-fi/horror flick Life. Full disclosure, I wasn’t sure what to expect here. The preview (for once) didn’t give away a whole lot, and I went in expecting more of a thriller than a horror movie. But imagine my reaction when things started getting creepy! Nothing more soothing than some blood and guts, am I right? Let’s get into this.

Life is a story about the astronauts aboard the ISS (International Space Station, but if you didn’t know that, deduct one point from your hp) who are on a mission to retrieve a cargo capsule that departed from Mars, carrying some items from the Red Planet. As I’m sure you’ve guessed, they do recover this capsule, and on it, they find a few things. One of which, is intriguing to say the least. A specimen that seems to have a cellular structure, and has flagella, of sorts. In other words… possibly life beyond earth. But a funny thing happens after some experiments… the creature appears to be reacting to some stimuli. Only one thing to do now, right? MORE EXPERIMENTS. What could go wrong? 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

Life is directed by Daniel Espinosa, who’s relatively new to the game in terms of directing. This appears to be his first movie in the horror genre, and it’s a pretty strong debut! I think Event Horizon and obviously the Alien saga (read: NOT Jason X) are the golden standards for outer space horror, but this flick definitely holds its own. It’s got its scares, certainly some gore, and it’s an intense ride from start to finish.

Put on your space suits in, Blasting Off for A Closer Look in 3…. 2…. 1….

Villain: An alien creature from Mars

How do I Stop It?: Hell if I know! Pray to God that you aren’t ever confronted with one of these bad boys. My best recommendation is to cancel those plans for that Mars all-inclusive vacation you were planning.

Lessons Learned: A whole bunch. Let me start with a question though… Do we really need to find life beyond Earth? I don’t want to get super meta here, but what’s wrong with good ol’ humanity? I think all of you are perfect. In fact, I think yo BRAIN is a shooting star. With that said.. if we ever DO find an alien, the last thing I want to do is try to PISS THE HELL OUT OF IT. Scientists are just dumb. FO REAL. Next lesson. If you’re going to quarantine a room, make damn sure the room is actually quarantined. Basic stuff here, kids. There’s one more big lesson, but I’d be ruining the movie if I said it. Let’s just agree that they messed up a whole bunch of times. #YaBlewIt

Who Do I Watch With?: This is a pretty intense movie. Not for the faint of heart. So maybe put the kids to bed, and invite your bravest friend over. And tell him to bring a pizza. Preferably one with pineapple. #TeamPineapple.

Movie Trivia: Nothing too great here… but here’s what I’ve got. Ryan Reynolds was supposed to play the lead in this film, but due to scheduling conflicts with another film, he instead took a supporting role. Also, this is Skydance’s first R-rated film.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 9/10. This thing is pretty bad ass, as far as badass aliens go. In the spirit of not spoiling things, I won’t go into details. But know that Calvin is not to be messed with.

Scare Factor: 6/10. I think overall this movie is more “intense” than it is “scary,” but don’t think that this is light, good-humored fun. This is an edge-of-your-seat kind of movie that is gripping the whole way.

Gore Rating: 4/5. Very Bloody Machete!

4_5_machete

Goriest movie I’ve seen in a while! There were a few moments in Life that really made me cringe, and at one point I even made an audible sound of disgust. Not for the faint of heart. This is pretty grotesque in some parts, but in a very good way.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Martians

martians

LOOK HOW SCARY IT IS. I told you we shouldn’t mess with these things, whatever they are. All Matt Damon jokes aside, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. I did kind of see the ending coming, but it was still really solid nonetheless. Apparently there’s a fan theory that this movie might be a prequel to an upcoming film, so we’ll see how that pans out. But either way, Life delivers the intensity, and is worth the ticket price to check it out in theaters.

That’s going to wrap up this review, but a few quick notes before I depart. First, I normally don’t plug other things on here (but I’m not opposed, so let me know if you’re interested in 40-ish people getting a blog plug, haha), but a friend of mine turned me on to a pretty hilarious podcast lately, and I definitely recommend it if you’re into paranormal/conspiracy theories kinds of topics. Or even if you just want to laugh at it, because it’s great. It’s called “The Unbelievable Podcast,” and can be found with a simple Google search. Check it out, and learn to unlearn everything you know! Anyway.. hopefully I’ll be back again soon with more scares. Keep the requests coming!

Until next time, keep blasting off.

-Dvo

You Are Getting Sleepy…

Posted in Demented Human, Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 2, 2017 by dtrain1008

get_out

Get Out

Keep your eyes on the screen. You’re getting sleepy.. falling into a comforting rest. Your eyelids are starting to get heavier and heavier… Because you’re back to reading this mostly-boring horror blog again! Also I have now hypnotized you. But seriously, welcome back to the Unholy Cathedral, your not-very-regular-anymore source for horror movie reviews. I am your hypno- I mean.. caretaker, Dvo, and tonight we’ll be talking about the recent box office smash hit, Get Out. I’d seen plenty of trailers for this movie, and was excited to check it out even before the strong reviews came in. But once I saw the high praises from critics and audiences alike, I had to see this movie. So let’s jump in and see if it lives up to the hype.

Get Out is the story of a young couple who take a weekend to introduce the boyfriend to the girlfriend’s parents. But look out, he’s African-American, and she’s Brian Williams’ daughter. Hilarious hijinx are bound to ensue, right? It’s like the opposite of that Ashton Kutchar and Bernie Mac movie, right? Probably. Anyway, they arrive at the parents’ house, but something feels off. The housekeepers seem a little weird, and mom and dad seem like they have something they’re not telling him… White people, I tell you.

Get Out is Jordan Peele’s first foray into the horror genre, and I gotta throw props at him. He nails it with this really strong debut. Admittedly, this is more on the suspense side than gritty, blood-curdling horror. But it’s worthy of this blog, for sure. There are definitely a few parts that are pretty scary, and the acting is great throughout. Here’s to hoping Mr. Peele isn’t done with horror, and brings more to the table.

Let’s go to the place below, and dive in for A Closer Look

Villain: A family with evil intentions

How do I Stop Them?: Well… a few key points. First and foremost, they’re humans at the end of the day. Shoot ’em, stab ’em, run away.. the basics work here. But just don’t fall into their trap. And it helps if you’re not of African-American descent. And before you try to pull out the race card on this blogger, let me just say that’s the movie talking, not this blogger.

Lessons Learned: White people are jerks! For real though,  here are the big lessons. If something seems blatantly and shamelessly strange, just get out of that situation as quickly as you can. Also I’m not sure if hypnotism is real or not, but I’m not jumping in line to try that. Stay out of my brain, you animals.

Who Do I Watch With?: Anyone old enough to see it! It’s not that gory, not that adulterated, and generally an awesome flick. Grab some popcorn and enjoy with a friend.

Movie Trivia: Not too much on here, but I did find it interesting that Jordan Peele used the original Night of the Living Dead as inspiration for this film, since it has a black protagonist, and addresses racial issues in the framework of a horror movie.

Rating the Flick

Villains: 7/10. It’s very simple, but I’d say very strong. While things start expectedly, there’s some pretty crazy revelations along the way that make our villains quite interesting.

Scare Factor: A few chills (5/10)

It’s certainly not a “silly” movie, but also not terrifying. Mr. Peele does a good job of keeping us in a state of discomfort for the majority of the movie, but also provides a small bit of comic relief.

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

1_5_machete

If you’re looking for blood and guts, look elsewhere. There’s a tiny bit of violence, but nothing that’ll make you squirm.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Teacups

teacups

Really strong effort here by Mr. Peele. I thought this was a pretty great movie from start to finish, and showed us a different style of horror that we haven’t seen. The story is very original, and was executed flawlessly. With that said, I think that in terms of pure horror movies, this one is missing something. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not macabre. I’m giving Get Out the Unholy Stamp of Approval (USA! USA! USA!), but it falls just short of my top echelon. Regardless, if you get a chance, definitely check this one out. It’s worth the ticket price!

So that will wrap up this review. I know I keep making false promises at the ends of these blogs, but I’m gonna try to post more things on here, I promise. And if there’s anything you want me to review, let me know! Preferably movies though.. I’ve accepted that horror video game requests are more of a commitment, and have a lower chance of happening. Anyway, thanks again for reading! Hope to be haunting you again soon.

Until next time, Herbert Herbert.

-Dvo

Holiday Spirits

Posted in Ghost/Demon with tags , , , , on December 6, 2016 by dtrain1008

krampus0011 Krampus

Well friends, the holiday season is upon us, and what better way to celebrate than with some Christmas-themed horror! The darkest days of the season are here, and today, we’re trying something new. I’m trying out a new idea with this one: audio blogs. That’s right.. this review will mostly be done via an audio recording! I’m providing the ratings overview, but for the sinister details, check out the podcast link below.

Link to Podcast

I hope you enjoy the show, and please let me know what you think in the comments. I might start doing these more frequently moving forward, but if you’d rather I write, feel free to let me know that as well.

So let’s get into it!

Villain: 9/10

Scare Factor: 5/10

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

1_5_machete

Overall Rating: 4/5 Snow Globes

snow_globes

Like I said, be sure to check out the audio format, and let me know what you think! It’s short and sweet (only about 12 minutes), so you should be able to listen to it at your leisure. And as always, feel free to send me requests for movies to review. I now have a VERY solid home theater set-up, perfect for all things spooky. So hopefully this will entice me to make more of these.

Anyway, that’ll wrap up this week’s update. If you’re not following me already, make sure you Unleash Hell at the top right to sign up for my e-mail updates. Also, follow me on Twitter at @UnholyCathedral for the latest news and updates from yours truly! If I don’t get back beforehand, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you… And beware the holiday spirits…

Until next time, keep the fire hot.

-Dvo

 

Does this thing still work?

Posted in Other with tags , , , , , , on October 20, 2016 by dtrain1008

horror-nights2016 Horror Nights 2016

For those keeping score at home, this IS in fact my first post of the horror season. With only 11 days to spare… Many apologies from within these torrid walls. I assume you’ve all survived without me. Let’s see if we can fix that.

The last few months have been one of the most chaotic times of my life. I went to Europe for the first time ever, spent a few unplanned days back at home, and then went to Florida to experience this year’s rendition of Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios.

For my loyal followers (mad props if you’re still with me after all this time!), you know the drill. Horror Nights is the premiere Halloween event, with several haunted houses– some based on movies and/or tv shows, and others based on original content. If you recall, last year’s event was the 25th anniversary, and featured our sinister clown friend Jack. This year, Universal did a spin-off with his creepy sidekick, Chance. Here’s this year’s preview:

As you can see, we’ve got some exciting mazes. There’s mazes based on Halloween 2, The Exorcist, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, American Horror Story, Krampus, and The Walking Dead. In addition to those are three original content houses– Ghost Town: The Curse of Lightning Gulch, Tomb of the Ancients, and Lunatics Playground 3D. My co-contributor Adam and I tackled this event for two consecutive nights, and it was a grueling marathon to say the least. But we got our share of scares… so let’s take a journey through the mazes together.

I think I’ll go through these in order of my rankings, starting with my least favorite and building up. So let’s begin with (sadly) the Icon maze this year: Lunatics Playground 3D.

Lunatics Playground is a journey into Chance’s mind. In the queue for this maze, we’re presented a video with a backstory as to what’s happening. After last year’s Carnival of Carnage, Chance was arrested and taken to an asylum. We’re forced to enter her mind in a 3D horror maze. As for the maze itself… this was easily my least favorite of the event. The whole thing didn’t really make sense. It was more silly than scary, and if you ask me, the 3D mazes need to stop.

Up next, let’s talk about The Walking Dead. It’s baaaaack. AGAIN. At this point, I’m sure I sound like a broken record, but this maze is a broken record in itself. They’ve overplayed this franchise, and this year’s maze takes highlighted scenes from all seasons of TWD. There were some kind of cool throwbacks to the early seasons, but as was the case in previous years, TWD just doesn’t deliver the scares. Here’s to hoping this is the last time we see one of these mazes.

My 7th-ranked haunt at HHN2016 is The Exorcist. I was really excited about this house going in. When we think of horror movies, The Exorcist is one of the first ones that comes to mind on many people’s lists. And this is the first time the movie has made an appearance at Horror Nights, so I expected a great maze here. The entranced was good… you walk up the cobblestone path to the house, just like the priest in the film. But as much as I built this up, the maze was only okay. There are some very cool effects used, from see-through walls, good sound effects, and a few strong scares. But the Reagan animatronics were a little too cheesy, and there were a few hallways at the beginning that were pretty uneventful. As much as I wanted to like this maze, it just didn’t live up to expectations.

Onto the #6 maze: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Another movie based on a classic horror film, and I must say, I really liked the sets in this maze. They’ve constructed the actual house in Texas where Leatherface and his demented family shred up our protagonists. And as for the scares, it’s a lot of what you’d expect. Chainsaws-a-plenty. A good haunt, but far from the top.

That brings us to my Top 5 mazes of Horror Nights 2016. Coming in at #5 is Krampus, the Christmastime scarefest. I actually haven’t seen this movie yet, but I think I’ll need to after going through this haunt. This was a lot of fun. There were a lot of silly characters (elves, teddy bears, etc) that when simply observed, look almost comedic. But combined with some intense sound effects, the smells of gingerbread, a very fun outdoor section, and some solid indoor sets, they’ve turned Krampus into a frightening attraction.

In 4th place, we arrive at Ghost Town: The Curse of Lightning Gulch. This is a classic Wild West maze in a ghost town, where the residents are… well, you know. But this was a really well-themed maze. As you enter the town, a light rain falls from above. And from then on, you’re encountered by all of the former townsfolk, each of them as restless as the next. Some are screaming about the gold they’d left behind. Others are just vengeful. But all of them are creepy in their own right, and this was a solid haunt.

My #3 maze this year is American Horror Story. This is the only maze we were only able to do once, due to the INSANE lines for this thing. In any case, I’m again not really up to speed on AHS, so a lot of the references were lost on me. But even with that, this was a pretty cool maze. It was probably the longest maze of the event, with scenes from 3 different seasons of the show. The clown from the Freakshow season (or so I’m told) made a bunch of appearances throughout, and there were plenty of other creepy characters along the way. Even as someone who hasn’t watched the show, I enjoyed this maze a lot.

And now for the final 2. My runner up this year is Tomb of the Ancients.  Themed to an ancient crypt of sorts, Tomb is all about exploring a lost temple that houses creatures lost for many centuries. It’s full of hidden crypts, undead half-breeds, and wonderful sets throughout. There’s some really clever scares in here, from drop floors to really cool animatronics. There are plenty of jump scares throughout the whole trek, landing Tomb near the top of the list… which brings us to our final maze.

Halloween 2 tops off this year’s Horror Nights event for me. It’s everything you’d expect in a rather unpleasant tour through Haddonfield. A terrifying jaunt through some back yards, where Michael Myers is behind who knows which sheet. Then you head into town and into some buildings, avoiding knife attacks behind every corner. The whole maze is beautifully laid out, and it’s simply packed with Michael Myers actors. On top of that, they do a fantastic job integrating the sounds of Halloween into the maze… the shrieking strings, the subtle note sequences of suspense.. the entire maze is simply terrifying. This was the first maze we went through at the event, and it stuck with me as being my favorite the entire time. Very, very well done.

With all of that said, I’d say this year’s event as a whole was a little “down” when compared to previous years. Last year’s 25th anniversary was truly something special, and really set the bar for what Horror Nights can be. I think there were 3 mazes last year that were better than any of the mazes this year. But even in a down year such as this, HHN still reigns supreme as the best overall Halloween event, and it’s worth the trip every time.

That’ll wrap up this review of Horror Nights. I’m hoping to get back into the normal swing of things, but this is a weird year for Halloween… Where are the scary movies?! It’s been a pretty disappointing year at the Box Office. Hopefully that resolves itself soon. I am hoping to post more haunt reviews, because not including Horror Nights, I’ve been to SEVEN other haunted houses this year. So stay tuned, because hopefully there’ll be more updates coming soon.

Until then, bring out your dark side.

-Dvo