Turn… it off

 The Turning

Well well… look at us go. 2020 is off to a strong start in here. I’ve always said, there’s no spookier month than January. Always said that. It’s certainly the chilliest month, am I right? Although.. never mind. I’m not getting into weather again, I swear. Besides, I’ve got PLENTY to talk about this week. But first, I just wanted to put out a notice. I realized that the GIFs that I post in this blog don’t animate in the e-mail. So if you’re reading this in your e-mail, STOP RIGHT HERE and go to the site. Besides, it helps my annual metrics 😉

So let’s get to work. I think after last weekend, the girlfriend is seriously questioning why I enjoy horror. Not only did we watch the insanely twisted Midsommar, but we also saw this true gem (and I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible) of a movie, The Turning.

If you recall my last blog, I was pretty amped about this movie. It had a pretty creepy trailer. Nice dark tone, some weird stuff with spiders crawling out of people’s mouths, you know… the essentials of a good time. This is a re-make of The Turn of the Screw, which has had many adaptations both in literature and film. But let me say this. It’s a stinker. Also, let’s talk about casting for a minute. When I think of horror icons, I’m looking at Robert Englund (Freddy Kreugger), Nick Castle (Michael Myers), heck, even Tobin Bell (Jigsaw). Not THIS kid, who is apparently the new go-to kid for scary stuff.

Don’t hate me here.. I like Stranger Things as much as the next guy. And he’s really not a terrible actor. But man this kid has a supremely punch-able face, and why is he in every horror movie all of a sudden? Maybe I’m being too harsh. Probably not.

The Turning is the story of a young woman who gets hired to be a live-in caretaker for a young girl, or so she thinks. She arrives at a sprawling Victorian mansion, where an old housekeeper and the young girl await her. It’s a very isolated place, and because of its size, the estate has a dark feel to it. But then the girl’s older brother shows up, home from boarding school early. Why is he being such a brat? What’s with all of the strange noises at night? And what about those weird visions? Things have really taken a TURN for the worse…

Let’s put our tools away and go in for A Closer Look.

Villain: A malevolent spirit inhabiting an old estate (maybe, kind of. What even is this movie?)

How Do I Stop It?: You press the stop button on your streaming device and switch to a different film.

Lessons Learned: The biggest lesson here might be to take a glance at movie reviews before going in blindly. But like I told the girlfriend… they can’t all be winners. You gotta have some duds to keep it honest around here. Anyway, as for the film. Man I dunno… it’s a typical, super predictable ghost story. At least for the first 75 minutes or so. If you’re seeing actual ghosts, just stop denying it and get the hell out of there.

Who Do I Watch With?: You don’t.

Movie Trivia: Joely Richardson, who plays the protagonist’s mother, is the fourth member of her family to appear in an adaptation of the 1898 horror novella “The Turn of the Screw.” Her Grandfather, aunt, and uncle all had parts in previous adaptations. Also, the second season of Netflix’s The Haunting of Hill House will be the second adaptation of the story this year. The good news for that is that it has a VERY low bar to meet, if this movie is the standard for this decade.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 0/10. I was waiting for the suspense. Or even a cheap jump scare. But they couldn’t even execute those very well in this shameful attempt at horror. The evil ghost is just kind of “there.” Truly terrible.

Scare Factor: 2/10. This movie had a decent amount of potential. There’s a weird old lady. There’s kids. There’s a sprawling, isolated mansion. Did I mention the weird old lady?

Somehow, despite all of those things, the director managed to not only make us say “What in the…” at the end of this, but also failed to scare us.

Gore Rating: Spotless Machete (0/5)

Look at that machete, just sitting there all shiny-like. Waiting to be thrust into some stupid teenager’s abdomen. There’s not much blood, if any, to worry about here.

Overall Rating: 0/5 Shrunken Heads

A rare, but definitely-deserved 0 rating. And back to my shrunken head roots, no less. When the credits hit the screen at the “end” of this movie, I was in pure bewilderment. And I stress the quotes on “end” there, because there’s basically no conclusion whatsoever. This movie felt really straightforward through a lot of it, but then the last 15 minutes were utterly bizarre. There’s not much else to say, other than maybe consider seeing Bad Boys for Life instead.

That’ll wrap up this review of The Turning. The good news is that there’s no way that the next movie I see can be any worse than this. Shockingly, this isn’t the first movie to get an “F” rating on Rotten Tomatoes this year. The Grudge was the first flick to claim that crown. It may be a strong start for the blog, but maybe not a strong start for scary movies. We’re only going up from here? Certainly hope so. Stay tuned for more updates, and thanks for tuning in.

Until next time, keep it classy.

-Dvo

Better Late than Never

Happy Halloween!

Well, safe to say this spooky season has been a bust on this site. A grand total of zero posts the entire month, until today. To all of you looking for guidance, recommendations, or silly reviews… I apologize. IF ONLY there were numerous media outlets, online articles, streaming services, and other forms of media that had recommendations for you to cure your spooky fix. If only. Normally I’m glad to fill that void in your life, but this year was a wildfire of things consuming my time. But I’m back, baby. And it’s officially THE WITCHING HOUR. So buckle in, because I’ve got a special Halloween edition of this blog, where we’ll go through some short reviews of some new Blumhouse movies, and let’s not forget the new Sandler romp, Hubie Halloween.

You know what’s great? Halloween. You know what’s also great? Decent weather on Halloween! I feel that it’s kind of a given in Chicagoland that the witching hour brings on some of the DARKEST weather. I think the average forecast is about 40 degrees, often with rain involved. Last year I had to take down decorations so they didn’t get coated in the slushy snow that fell a day or two prior. And it was a frigid year last year. But 2020 is such a great year. Always said that. We’re looking at a very mild 50’s. Perfect for scaring the pants off of young children who don’t give a damn about a pandemic.

I also recently saw a very cool article on Forbes that talked about a scientific study that was trying to determine the true scariest film of all time. And this may be a LITTLE bit selective, because this article aligns PERFECTLY with what I’ve been trying to tell you guys for years. But it’s in Forbes, so it’s pretty legit! I was very pleased to see that according to this study, Sinister was the movie that scared audiences the most. I’m not alone in thinking that movie is a true spine-chiller. Other highly-ranked movies in terms of scares are Insidious, The Conjuring 1 & 2, Hereditary, It Follows, and even The Descent. It’s nice when you find an article that validates your opinions on things, and this one hits all the right notes for this blog. Those are all truly scary movies. There are certainly movies not on the list that I think are up there in terms of scares (The Exorcist, The Shining, Blair Witch Project, to name a few). But if you ask this blogger, this experiment hit all the high notes. Numbers don’t lie, kids. Except when they do. It’s election season, after all. The spookiest part of 2020, no doubt.

Okay, so let’s get into some films that I did get a chance to check out this season. Super horror studio Blumhouse did a partnership with Amazon Prime this season, sending out a group of films to the streaming service. I watched a couple: Evil Eye and Nocturne. So let’s take a brief look at them.

Evil Eye is a film about a young Indian woman in America, who has found success in her career, but not in her love life. But then she finds what seems to be the perfect guy. He’s sexy, successful, and even seems like a decent guy. Almost too good to be true… But her mother back in India is very traditional, and is looking at horoscopes to determine compatibility. And as she learns more about this guy, her deepest fears may be realized: her former abusive lover has been reincarnated as her daughter’s new lover…

Evil Eye is certainly a modern take on horror, and certainly skirts the lines as to what qualifies as a horror movie. But it’s definitely a suspense thriller on the classic horror trope of determining if our protagonist is crazy, or if what they are imagining is real. It develops pretty strong conflict throughout, and keeps the tension high. I wouldn’t say it’s a very scary movie, in the normal sense. But a pretty engaging film, and it’s a pretty fun concept.

Onto Nocturne, a film about twin sisters who are both piano students trying to get into a prestigious school. One of them, Vivian, is clearly on the path. She’s well-recognized in the community, extremely talented, and is popular with boys. The other , Juliette, has less prowess, so it seems. But one day Juliette finds a music theory book with some strange artwork that seems to turn things in her favor. The book seems to speak to her, and bring out her true talent. She also seems to be gaining favor with those around her, while her sister’s prestige is waning… But all good things come at a cost, so it seems…

This was kind of a cool movie. Admittedly you can kind of predict a lot of things that are going to happen throughout. But there’s some Satanic themes that come along with the artwork, and a really weird ending that leaves us guessing. Overall a decent film though. I’d say both of these Blumhouse movies were 3-shrunken head efforts.

Finally, let’s talk about the new addition to Netflix’s catalog, a Happy Madison production by the name of Hubie Halloween. A silly romp with a star-studded cast of characters. Sandler brings back many homages from his old films here. He gets his normal band back together, but also brings in the likes of Ray Liotta, Keenan Thompson, Kevin James, and others to bring this Halloween comedy to life. I haven’t cared much for the one or two Sandler Netflix movies that I’d seen, but I have to admit this one was pretty hilarious. And it’s funny seeing all of the throwbacks to some of his more memorable movies. Even with Ben Stiller reprising his nurse role from Happy Gilmore. It’s worth a watch if you’re looking for a movie on the funnier side today.

Anyway, that’s going to wrap up this blog. I’m gonna go throw out some ghouls and my animatronic spider. Cuz if there’s one thing that’s certain on Halloween, it’s that candy is not free. That stuff got to be EARNED. Stay scary my friends, and Happy Halloween!

Until next time, scare those punks.

-Dvo

Heeeeeere’s Ewan!

Doctor Sleep

*sniffs the air* Is that… the end of summer I smell? Is Halloween season nearing? How is it nearly September already? I know summers generally go fast, but did we even have a summer this year? 2020 is a strange year, y’all. But alas, scary movies still exist. And I’m still here to… very occasionally watch them. So to my favorite Deadites, welcome back! If you’re new here, be sure to UNLEASH HELL on the top right! With spooky season coming up, there will hopefully be some good content. Anyway, let’s dig our graves and jump right in.

For the uninitiated, Doctor Sleep is a sequel to the Stanley Kubrick classic, The Shining. And if you haven’t seen The Shining, you should re-evaluate your life, or at least start looking into seeing it. It’s one of the few 5-star movies to grace this blog. With that said, sequels are… sequels. Rarely living up to the caliber of the original. So how did Mike Flanagan combat this? By bringing in EWAN McGREGOR as our lead!

Okay.. I really can’t go down this wrestling rabbit hole again. But it’s just so easy. Anyway, Ewan McGregor. You may be saying to yourself, “But those Star Wars movies sucked!” And to that I say… you’re absolutely right. But Ewan McGregor is awesome. Twas Jar Jar that slayed the beast. And what better way to prove that by making a solid sequel to a timeless horror classic? Let’s see how they did…

Doctor Sleep is the story of a now-older Danny Torrence, who’s trying to make ends meet. He’s found a way to shut away the demons of his past, at that sinister hotel. And as he finds himself in a quiet town in the northeast, things are finally starting to look up. But then someone makes contact with him. A pen pal of sorts. A friend who “shines” brighter than he ever could.

This couldn’t be a bad thing, right? No harm could come of this, assuredly. UNTIL IT DOES AND DAMMIT we’re in yet another boondoggle…

Put on your thinking caps, and let’s take A Closer Look.

Villains: The True Knot, a cult of weirdos seeking immortality, led by some weird lady with a hat

How Do I Stop Them?: Well… They’re more or less human, kind of. But they do have some special abilities. They’re basically the ultra-elite lizard people that are ruling the world behind the shadows. What I’m saying is I have no idea, and let’s just hope this cult is purely hypothetical.

Lessons Learned: When it comes to supernatural battles, it’s better to leave us normal humans (muggles?) at home. Especially those who go out of their way to be good to you. Muggle Lives Matter.

Movie Trivia: Danny Lloyd (the original Danny Torrence actor) makes a cameo in this film. Mike Flanagan painstakingly recreated the sets of the Overlook Hotel from blueprints acquired from Stanley Kubrick’s estate. Really, there’s a lot of good trivia about this one. If you have a few minutes, read up on it on IMDB.

Who Do I Watch With?: An adult, certainly. There’s still some of those spooky/gross scenes from the original The Shining (room 237, anyone?).

Rating the Flick

Villain: 10/10. Really liked these weirdos. You don’t really know much about them, or who they are. But as we learn more about what they’re up to, it’s pretty wild. And they’re a pretty sinister group, so it makes for a really solid group of baddies.

Scare Factor: 6/10. Doctor Sleep is perhaps not the scariest movie you’ll see, but there are definitely some creepy scenes along the way. Plenty of memories and flashbacks to the original movie.

Gore Rating: 3/5 (Moderately Bloody Machete)

I think most of the grotesque side of this comes in a few scenes, but seeing as they are in fact in the movie, we can’t discount them.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Tommys

Before I go on, let’s reflect on Chris Farley, because that dude was straight up hilarious. Also, his inverted image is the stuff of nightmares. Anyway, I thought Doctor Sleep was a lot of fun. The story is new enough to bring a fresh take to The Shining, but there are a lot of throw-backs to the original movie.

I thought it was interesting that they used new actors to play some of the original roles in some scenes, but then also had some clips from the original film intertwined as well. But they made it work. There were a few parts near the end that seemed like a bit of a stretch, and possibly unnecessary. But overall I really enjoyed this movie. It’s dark in parts, and fun in others. It’s got a good amount of spooky ghouls, but isn’t just a cheap knock-off of The Shining. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s worth a watch.

So that’ll conclude this review. I will say that I’m getting married(!!!) soon, and we’re planning a honeymoon in October. So there’s a strong chance that I won’t have many updates for Halloween. Which… maybe that’s par for the course, if I’m being honest with myself. So it goes. Thank you for staying tuned though, and be on the lookout for future scares.

Until next time, REDRUM.

-Dvo

You Can’t See Me

The Invisible Man

Finally… THE BLOG HAS COME BACK… to… this blog? The Rock 4 Lyf. We’re two sentences in, and already two wrestling references. Buckle up, boys and girls. This could get interesting. Welcome back one and all, to The Unholy Cathedral, your extremely-infrequent source for movies that go bump in the night. To my loyal deadites, I appreciate you as much as ever. If you’re new here, be sure to Unleash Hell at the top right! I promise, you won’t get very many e-mails. 😉

Anyway, I know what you’re thinking. You’re not here for the praise. You’re hear for the TABLES LADDERS AND CHAIRS MATCH! Dudley Boyz 4 Lyf.

Okay, okay. You’re here for some scares. And this week, I think we’ve got them. I recently (finally) watched The Invisible Man, starring Elizabeth Moss. My fiancee (apologies for the humble brag) pointed out to me that I was hating on this movie when the trailers first came out. And admittedly, I do remember thinking that they showed WAY too much of the movie. But it got really strong reviews, so after all this time, I was actually very excited to check it out.

For the uninitiated, The Invisible Man is a Blumhouse project, which is a safe bet for most horror movies any more. The interesting thing is that originally this was supposed to be part of Universal’s re-boot of all of their classic monsters, but after The Mummy (that Tom Cruise one) bombed, they canceled those plans. That is, until Blumhouse came in and took it a different direction. I know, I know. You’re not here for a history lesson. Fine, grab a beer and let’s get going.

Stone Cold Steve Austin 4 Lyf

The Invisible Man is the story of a young woman who is living a trapped life. Her boyfriend is a major tech entrepreneur who is incredibly smart and wealthy. Every girl’s dream, right? Wrong. Homeboy is an extremely controlling psychopath. But she figures out an escape plan, and one night, she runs away and goes into hiding. Things take a turn, though, as soon after, she learns that her ex was found dead. Finally, she can relax and live her life, right? But why does it feel like someone’s always watching? Frizzle frazzle!

Put on the glasses, and let’s take A Closer Look.

Is that a wrestling/sci-fi horror movie crossover reference? YES, YES IT IS. +100 points, pat on the back. This is going splendidly. Rowdy Roddy Piper 4 Lyf.

Villain: An uber-controlling inventor who fakes his own death to terrorize his estranged ex… OR IS IT…? >:)

How Do I Stop Him?: Humans are human at the end of the day. You just gotta expose him. Maybe set out some Cheez Its and play the waiting game. No one can resist Cheez Its. But ONLY the original flavor. Anything else is terrorism.

Lessons Learned: Overall I thought our protagonist does pretty good in this movie, which is probably why it’s really fun. That’s not to say that she doesn’t seem entirely insane for a lot of it, but given circumstances, she holds her own. I will say that if you’re planning an elaborate escape from a highly surveilled place, don’t let your empathy toward dogs get in your way. Just get out of there.

Movie Trivia: The first name of the main character, Cecilia, is derived from the Latin Caecus which means blind or eyeless, Appropriately, she cannot see the Invisible Man. She is frequently called ‘C’ in the film, which, obviously, is pronounced like ‘see.’ Also, there are a number of references to “invisible people” watching in the background of scenes. The coat at the front door, the hat and coat Invisible Man throwback in Cecilia’s bedroom, and a man-shaped silhouette behind James in Griffin’s office, to name a few.

Who Do I Watch With?: This is a pretty fun movie. There are a few relatively gruesome scenes, but overall a cool flick. Spend an evening with your mom and watch a scary movie together.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 8/10. It’s a fun, fresh idea for The Invisible Man, and they did well with the execution. I think some of the special effects could have been done slightly better, but overall he’s a creepy dude.

Scare Factor: 5/10. This is borderline more of a thriller than a horror movie, but there are still some scares throughout. It’s human instinct to fear what we can’t see, and… you get it.

Gore Rating: Moderately Bloody Machete (3/5)

There are some very violent scenes in this movie, no doubt. That’s it, that’s the tweet.

Overall Rating: 4/5 floating hats

Not what you expected, right? Yeah, same here. It’s a floating hat. It’s funny.

The Invisible Man delivers the goods. I wasn’t sure which way the film was going throughout, and there are some twists and turns along the way. And in terms of scares, there’s a few pretty good moments. So if you’re into the suspense thriller genre, this is definitely a movie worth checking out.

That’ll conclude this review. I do have some other movies that I could probably review, but we’ll see if I can get around to them. At this point I think I’m in the category of lazy bloggers. Or dabblers. Whatever you want to call it. Hopefully I’ll be back soon. I love and miss you all. And I can’t end this one without an Undertaker reference, so let’s go ahead and put this blog to bed.

REST IN PEACE, this review.

Until next time, wear a mask.

-Dvo

Dance Dance Revolution

 Suspiria

Well hello there! Welcome once again, to the Unholy Cathedral. I hope all of you are being safe out there during this global pandemic. As you can imagine, this here Cathedral is quite the place for social distancing. If the broken glass, boarded up windows, and graveyard out front don’t keep the outsiders away, certainly the zombies will. And take a seat anywhere.. the only masks we have around these parts are of the hockey goalie, or William Shatner variety.

To all of my favorite Deadites, welcome back! It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. In case you haven’t noticed, there hasn’t been a lot of activity in the movie world, so I haven’t dabbled much into horror. But the other day I was feeling ambitious, so I took a gander at my streaming options, and I saw that Suspiria was available on Amazon Prime (feel free to throw 0.0001% of your cash to me for that free advertising, Mr. Bezos). Anyway, I knew this was a re-make of a cult classic horror film from the late 70’s, and the trailer looked pretty crazy, so I figured I would give it a shot. And this was quite the re-entry to horror, as this movie turned out to be really intense. So lets jump right in, shall we?

Suspiria is the story of a young American girl who gets a coveted audition at a renowned dance studio in 1970’s Berlin. Her whole life has been working toward becoming a student of the teacher of this school, and her audition goes flawlessly. But as she settles into the studio, she realizes that not all is as it seems. Her predecessor left the company under very strange circumstances. And she’s been having very strange dreams ever since her arrival. But it’s all just adjusting to a new country, right? FLARGENFLUGEN. ACH NEIN!

Slip into those leotards, and take your positions. We’re going in for A Closer Look.

Villain: **SPOILER ALERT** A coven of Witches, looking to celebrate the sabbath of one of their mothers

How Do I Stop Them?: These broads are keen as a cucumber. I have no idea, but if there’s anything I’ve learned about witches, it’s that they should be burned at the stake. They probably even float in water!

Lessons Learned: By far the biggest lesson here is that people aren’t always who they seem… Honestly, our protagonist doesn’t really make any bad decisions. She’s just dealt a bad hand, and is stuck succumbing to the aftermath, or so it seems. Oh, but also let’s not forget… Berlin is a sketchy place to be, no matter what year it is. HEILIGER STROHSACK!

Who Do I Watch With?: Definitely not the young folks. This is a really gruesome movie with a very dark tone and plot. Might want to go this one alone, if you dare.

Movie Trivia: Jessica Harper, who played the title character in the original Suspiria, makes an appearance as the psychologist’s wife, Anke. Also Dakota Johnson completed two full years of ballet training for her role in this film. Finally, the music score for Suspiria is the debut score from Radiohead singer Thom Yorke.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 8/10. These witches are pretty scary, mostly in regards to how powerful they are. They seem to know just about everything that’s going on around them, and have total control of everything they want. Did I mention they’re German witches?

Scare Factor: 6/10. Maybe not the scariest movie, but also not for the faint of heart. There are some really twisted sequences and graphic images throughout this film, so be prepared.

Gore Rating: VERY Bloody Machete (4/5)

As I said, there are some really twisted sequences, and some of them are either wildly violent, or horribly grotesque. The director made some bold choices here in an effort to make us uncomfortable, and it works.

Overall Rating: 3.5 Shrunken Heads

Suspiria is a pretty shocking movie throughout. The dance sequences are really intense. Not to mention the horrible visuals we see as the movie progresses. This is, without a doubt, a horror movie. And there is an interesting twist along the way, so overall I thought it was a pretty solid film. I don’t know if I’ll ever be watching it again, but it definitely has some artistic value. With that said, I think this one is probably only enjoyable for the die-hard horror fans, so if you’re on the fence, you might want to stay away.

That’ll conclude this edition of the UC. Honestly I’m not sure what’s going to happen in the coming months, since there aren’t many new horror films out there. But I do still want to see Invisible Man, and I know Blumhouse is continuing that saga with their version of Dracula, so that’s some exciting news. For now, everyone please stay safe though! Thanks for tuning in, and all the best.

Until next time, wash your hands.

-Dvo

Game Theory

 Ready or Not

March 1st alert! It’s March 1st, people! Good riddance, February. Nobody likes you. If you’re reading this in your e-mail, STOP NOW AND GO TO THE SITE. 🙂 Anyway, I’m back! Welcome to another installment to the Unholy Cathedral, your source for silly horror reviews. For my loyal Deadite followers, a sincere thank you for continuing to read this blather. And for all you newcomers, thanks for finding me. This is a friendly, inviting place. With that said, Be sure to UNLEASH HELL at the top right and get my e-mail updates. >:) Literally destroy that button, kids.

So here we go. This week I watched a movie that’s been on my “want to see” list for quite sometime — Ready or Not. When I saw trailers for it, I was thinking that if executed correctly, it could be a pretty solid horror comedy. And it ended up getting pretty good reviews, so this has been a long time coming. Ready or Not is directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett, who previously worked together on VHS. If I’m being honest, I’ve never seen VHS, though I have heard that it’s a pretty decent flick. Tweet @UnholyCathedral if you want me to see it.

Before I get started, a few other tidbits. Our lead heroine in this movie is portrayed by Samara Weaving, and for the life of me I’ve never heard of ANYONE named Samara other than… well, you know:

Also, the less heartthrob dude from The OC has a role in this, as does sweet Andie MacDowell of Groundhog Day fame. Where else can you get a lineup like that? Now that I’ve assuredly captured your interest, let’s get into it.

Ready or Not is the story of a young couple who are to be married at the groom’s family’s estate. His family comes from a long history of wealth, which was grown by their business making board games. The family members have their quirks, but what family doesn’t? Although, that Aunt Helene is one strange old bat (not literally.. see the “vampire” section of this blog for that kind of activity).

The wedding goes off without too much of a hitch, but just as the couple is about to make it official (bump uglies, do the forbidden polka, jam the clam, load the clown into the cannon, parallel park, play some pelvic pinochle, wave the wand in the chamber of secrets… you get it), Aunt Helene shows up. What a weirdo. But she alerts them that everyone is waiting downstairs. Waiting for what? Turns out there’s a family tradition that must be honored, that goes back many years. A tradition of playing a game when someone joins the family. What could go wrong?

LOCK ‘N LOAD, folks. We’re going in for A Closer Look.

Villain: *SPOILER ALERT* A Satanic Cult tied to a Devilish game of hide and seek

How Do I Stop Them?: Well, don’t marry rich. What I’ve learned is that rich people always have some real weird baggage. You don’t need that in your life. If you’re striving for more excitement in your life, go camping. Ride a roller coaster. Call me if you do either of those things. But if you do make the awful mistake of marrying into a cult family hell-bent on killing you… they’re human. Be crafty, keep the element of surprise, and kill them with fire.

Lessons Learned: Honestly, I’m proud of our heroine. The kid did good. I think the biggest lesson here is not to be “the help” for a rich family of snobs. Especially ones with coked-out relatives who are prone to shoot people at random with various weapons.

Who Do I Watch With?: Grab an adult friend and enjoy the show. But make sure that they’re an adult, because this is a very violent movie.

Movie Trivia: Our sweet Samara wears SEVENTEEN different versions of her wedding dress throughout the movie to show her progress through the night. Also, and this may be one of the top 5 trivia to ever grace this blog, the house that was used for filming Ready or Not is the same house that was used for Billy Madison.

Easy there, Farley. This is a family blog.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 8/10. The family is kind of a bumbling band of baboons (shout out to Professor McGonnogal, and also let’s keep the Harry Potter references going), but they’re certainly a fun villain. They’re armed to the teeth, and chasing a seemingly helpless young girl around their mansion. Not someone I’d want to deal with.

Scare Factor: 1/10. Not at all a scary movie. There’s a few minor jump moments, but this is absolutely comedy horror.

Gore Rating: VERY Bloody Machete (4/5)

I was close to giving this a 5/5, but I think that should be reserved for the truly grotesque movies. But this movie has no shortage of graphic violence. Those poor servants.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Bloody Marys

Okay.. before I go any further, let’s behold that “drink.” THERE IS AN ENTIRE PIZZA assembled to that bloody mary. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m all about throwing a strip of bacon, a pickle spear, some olives, peppers, maybe a piece of salami, and heck, even a pretzel bite as a garnish. But this atrocity is both the most American thing I’ve ever seen, and also a cry for help. Stop it.

As for the movie, Ready or Not delivered, in a great way. Some of the comedy is a little obtuse, but overall I definitely enjoyed this movie. It’s very silly, with moments of comical grandeur that really captivate the audience. And I definitely didn’t expect the family’s motivation for going through these activities. It’s a pretty wild ride from start to finish, and there’s a few fun characters that tie the whole thing together. I’m not sure how, but it almost has a Scooby-Doo kind of comic feel to it. Maybe it’s the bunch of boneheads running around a mansion. In any case, I liked it a lot, so if you’re looking for a movie to rent, consider checking out Ready or Not.

IMPORTANT BLOODY MARY UPDATE: I just found out that that bloody mary not only has a PIZZA as a garnish, but also ANOTHER BLOODY MARY as a garnish. And while that is hilarious, there’s a reason. It was created by a comic as a joke. One can dream, I guess.

I’ll end with this… The Invisible Man is out in theaters now, and while I do feel like the trailer gives away waaaay too much of the movie, it’s getting awesome reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. Food for thought. Maybe you’ll see another update in the not-distant future. We’ll see…

Until next time, put away those snow tires.

-Dvo

Sommar Time Vibes

Midsommar

Greetings to my loyal Deadites and any newcomers here in the Cathedral. And happy 2020! Winter is fully upon us, but it’s been a mild one so far. But you know me. I’m more of a raging inferno kind of guy than fan of the frozen tundra. So I’ve got those “Sommar” vibes, if you catch my drift. Not a snow drift. Weather puns. I’m stopping. Welcome back to another edition of this not-so-spooky blog.

This week I’m covering the Ari Aster film Midsommar, which was released last summer. As a side note, it’s now streaming on Amazon Prime, should you have a taste for REALLY F$#@%& UP HORROR. If you recall, Mr. Aster is also the brain behind Hereditary, which kind of set the tone for what we were about to see. I warned the girlfriend going in, that this was likely going to be a twisted, f’d up movie. And HOO BOY did it deliver on that promise. She is still regretting having sat through this with me.

Midsommar is the story of a girl who is struggling to keep her relationship going with a boyfriend who is unsure about things. And things get worse when a terrible tragedy strikes her, and she learns that he is planning to go to Sweden for a month. As an impulsive action, she decides to join him and his friends. One of them is a Swedish friend from college, who has invited them to experience a special festival in his home commune. Seems like a unique experience, right? But what’s with these strange runes? And what about those graphic murals? Something tells me that Sweden isn’t all just happiness, flowers, and extremely-convenient furniture stores.

Let’s dive in head-first off a cliff for A Closer Look

Villain: A Pagan Cult in Sweden. Spoiler alert? Meh.. I think it’s pretty obvious.

How do I Stop Them?: You’ve got some options here, but you need to be smart about it. Either come packing lots of heat (they are just human, after all), or be ready to be really sneaky and get the hell out of there.

Lessons Learned: So, so many lessons. This was painful to watch. These kids…

Run tell that, homeboy. First of all, and let me just come out and say this. Any time anyone says they live in a “commune,” they’re in a cult. DON’T EVEN TRY TO LIE TO ME, you weirdo cult people. It’s a cult. And let’s suppose that you found yourself in a place where people all wear the same robes, they are passing out magic mushrooms like candy, and they have a damn BEAR IN A CAGE. Word to the wise, leave now. Don’t ask questions, don’t think “oh that’s interesting.” It’s not. You’re going to either be organ-harvested or sacrificed to a Pagan God, or something even worse. But then let’s suppose that you’ve for some reason thought “Nah, no way, this isn’t a cult.” And you stayed for a few days, but then two of your friends randomly disappeared. You should probably stay longer and try to figure it out, right? Arrgghhhhh *pulling hair*

Who Do I Watch With?: You should be very careful with this one. It’s really, really twisted, and also really graphic. Pick your partner wisely, or just go it alone.

Movie Trivia: Despite the Swedish setting, the film was mostly shot in Hungary.

Also, Mark displays an extreme phobia of ticks, which is based on Ari Aster’s real-life fear of bugs and illness. Like Mark, Aster wore two pairs of socks over his jeans to ensure he would not receive bug bites.

Finally, despite being the main characters and with the exception of cries and screams, neither Dani or Christian speak in the last twenty-five minutes of the film.

 Rating the Flick

Villain: 7/10. The director does a good job of making these people seem really sinister but also really friendly at the same time. That’s not to say that I’d be fooled AT ALL into thinking they’re genuinely nice. IT’S A CULT.

Scare Factor: 2/10. I wouldn’t say this movie is scary. It’s just really, really disturbing. From the graphic violence to the graphic sex scene, it’s really messed up. Which leads me to…

Gore Rating: FULL BLOODY MACHETE (5/5)

This movie has several truly shocking scenes meant to really make the audience uncomfortable. It’s extremely violent in parts, really gross, and wildly disturbing. But if you can get past that, it’s an interesting flick. 🙂

Overall Rating: 3.5 cups of totally-not-drugged herbal tea, trust me

It’s a shock-factor movie, no doubt. But that’s not to say that it’s not an interesting movie. I think the story is pretty crazy, and even though there’s not much of a plot twist, the graphic nature of the movie is enough to keep it from being boring. It’s a tangled adventure of film that makes you want to stop watching at many points along the way, but it’s like the “car crash” trope. You don’t want to, but also can’t look away. I felt dirty immediately after, not gonna lie.

Anyway, that will wrap up this review of Midsommar. I assume that just about none of you will watch this movie, so you’re welcome for doing it for you. But if you do watch it, let me know! I’d definitely like to hear some other takes on it. There are some interesting scary movies on the horizon, so hopefully I’ll be able to get out and see some fresh new scares. That includes a new take on the Hansel & Gretel fairy tale, as well as a new ghost/demon movie called The Turning that looks pretty scary. I’ll post some trailers below to wrap up this blog. Thanks for staying tuned, and stay warm this winter, folks!

Until next time, enjoy your trip…

-Dvo

Kids on the Beat

 Child’s Play

*brushing shoulder off* Oh hey! Back again so soon? You bet your sweet pumpkin pie. I’m back again with another review, and it’s not even October yet. Spooky season is off to a strong start. Gotta keep bloggin’.

So as discussed last time, I missed Child’s Play when it was in theaters, but this was definitely on my radar. It just became available to rent, so on a #DarkStormyNight last night, I figured it was a great opportunity to hunker down and crank up the scares. I’m admittedly not a huge fan of the original Child’s Play saga. The first one is pretty decent, but I can do without just about all of the sequels. Way over the top. I do think it’s a creepy concept, though, but that’s probably because I’m also of the opinion that human-ish toys are generally weird and a little creepy on their own. Much less than when they’re possessed by serial killer souls. You get it.

So let’s get into the new re-make. They’ve changed up the story a bit to adapt it to modern times, and within minutes of the movie starting, you get some foreshadowing as to where it’s going. They’ve brought in a clever new take (and a new look) for Chucky, and damn if I don’t say that it’s a pretty fun time.

Child’s Play is the story of a single mother and her teenage son, who are dealing with a recent move to a new city. As they try to adapt to their new life, the kid is having a tough time. So after pulling some strings at work, the mom brings home a trendy toy doll as an early birthday gift for her son. It was returned to the store she worked at for being defective, but it can’t be that broken, right? Seems totally normal that the normally-blue eyes turn red. TOTALLY NORMAL.

But then he starts repeating cuss words. Okay, a little strange.. And where’d the cat go? Jeepers.

Put your toys away, kiddos. We’re going in for A Closer Look

Villain: Chucky, a devious and murderous doll

How Do I Stop It?: Well here’s the question you need to ask yourself. “Does my doll want to murder me?” And if so, you definitely need to destroy it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Don’t convince yourself that “Oh, he only killed the family pet. I can fix him.” May I recommend a hydraulic press? Or fire is also a good option. Also this:

Lessons Learned: Goodness. Some real dummies in this movie. Listen, I know it’s important to get gifts for young teenagers on their birthday. But is a BROKEN doll the thing you want your kid to celebrate with? Also, smart devices are not to be trusted, kids. Especially when they’re obviously doing things they shouldn’t. Crap.. do you think my Alexa is reading this right now? 1 minute.. I’m gonna go hide in the basement. ALEXA, SELF-DESTRUCT.

Who Do I Watch With?: An adult. Don’t be fooled into thinking this is a kiddie horror movie. It’s a relatively gruesome, fun slasher flick. Extra juicy.

Movie Trivia: Child’s Play was released on the same day as Toy Story 4, and coincidentally both deal with living toys that are owned by a kid named Andy. Also, Andy decides to name Chucky “Han Solo,” a character made famous in the Star Wars films. Chucky is voiced by Mark Hamill, who also started in the original Star Wars trilogy. And there are references to multiple other films throughout, including RoboCop, E.T., and The Leprechaun.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 9/10. This version of Chucky is a perfect update for modern times. Rather than being a supernatural doll, he’s just a super smart, but defective, device. And I’m really really impressed with the job they did bringing him to life.

Scare Factor: 5/10. Not a terrifying movie unless you’re really scared of dolls. But there’s a few jump scares along the way, and it’s definitely a violent film, so it’s a little unnerving.

Gore Rating: VERY Bloody Machete (4/5)

Yessir! There’s some pretty gruesome stuff along the way here. Only in a few places, but they’re enough to make you want to turn your head. Just the right amount of gore, in my mind.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Burning Barbies

Side note.. this is apparently the second time I’ve used a messed up Barbie as my rating scale. Apparently gruesome dolls are a hit around these parts. Anyway, I was definitely not expecting this movie to be as good as it is. It’s a really fun horror movie. Very silly in places, but in a good way. And there’s a few kind-of shocking deaths along the way as well. I’m definitely impressed, and honestly wouldn’t hate it if they made a sequel.

So there you have it.. If you’ve got a night at home coming up, Child’s Play is now available to rent via the cloud (and presumably discs, if you’re a neanderthal). It’s a pretty good time. I’d also still like to see Midsommar and Annabelle Comes Home. But for now, this’ll wrap up the review. Anyone out there doing any haunted houses or seeing any scary movies that are under my radar? Hit me up on the Twitter or leave a comment!

Until next time, check out Shaun of the Dead.

-Dvo

Clowning Around Again

It: Chapter 2

*Coughing profusely, while removing boards piled on me* Hello? Hello! Thanks for waking me up. How’d you even get in here? I thought this place was condemned months ago? Sure seems like it. *looks at last blog in April* *Facepalm* In any case, welcome to the LONG-overdue return of the Unholy Cathedral. It’s been a doozy of a summer (and Spring; let’s be honest with ourselves) here at the UC. But I’m back, and just in time for SPOOKY SEASON! And what better way to kick it off, than with a review of It 2, the second chapter of the Stephen King classic? To be fair, I did miss Child’s Play, Annabelle Comes Home, and Ready or Not. So there’s some catching up to do. But alas, this is the discount store of horror blogs. So let’s dive into the super saver aisle and get into some scares, shall we?

If you recall, the first chapter of this saga was a hit around these parts. I loved the silly-but-still-spooky feel of it. It made you feel like a kid again, but still delivered some scares. This time, we’re given a cast of big Hollywood stars to portray the adult version of those kids, so I was curious to see if it still had the same charm, or if it took a weird turn. Let’s see how they did…

It: Chapter 2 is the story of a group of friends who are drawn back to their childhood home, to fulfill their childhood promise. A monster that terrorized them as children has seemingly come back after many years, and they’ve returned to kill it once and for all. But the monster isn’t the only demon they’re facing, as they all come to terms with the darkest memories that they’ve managed to suppress all these years… Seems not scary at all. Nope, nothing to worry about here.

Let’s check out this fun house, and go in for A Closer Look.

Villain: Pennywise the Dancing Clown

How Do I Stop Him?: Well, this guy really preys on fear. And that’s a problem, because he also knows all of your deepest fears. So you better be brave. But if you’re not, just talk tons of trash to him. And bring plenty of rusted iron spears. If you can’t kill him, maybe you’ll at least give him tetanus.

Lessons Learned: Eh.. kinda struggled with this one. The whole thing is pretty silly, but I guess if you’re trying to save a small town from a child-eating monster in the form of a clown that takes many forms, there’s not really a smart way to do it. You just gotta hunker down and GIT ER DONE, am I right Larry?

Sigh. What has become of this blog?

Who Do I Watch With?: Someone who’s seen (and didn’t hate) the first one, no doubt.

Movie Trivia: When casting, the child actors from the first chapter were asked who they’d want to play the adult version of themselves. Two of them (Bill Hader and Jessica Chastain) were actually cast in the film. Also, check this out:

Continuing with the extreme coincidence of the number 27, this film was on September 6, 2019 (9+6+2+0+1+9 = 27). The 1st chapter It (2017) was released on September 8, 2017 (9+8+2+0+1+7 = 27). There’s a 27 year age gap between Isaiah Mustafa (Mike Hanlon) and Chosen Jacobs (young Mike) as well as Teach Grant (Henry Bowers) and Nicholas Hamilton (young Henry).

Props to the filmmakers for being that meticulous. Let’s get down to more business.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 4/10. I know, I know. How can I rate him so poorly after giving him a 10/10 last time? Well… I think a lot of the luster is gone now that we’ve seen this iteration of Pennywise. The first go-around was all new and fresh. Now it’s just kind of more of the same, and some of it is a little too silly for my liking.

Scare Factor: 5/10. Right on par with the first one. I don’t think it’s a terrifying movie by a long shot, but there’s some good jump scares along the way. Even with the adult cast, the silliness of the monster comes through, so I wouldn’t say this is meant to be a serious horror film.

Gore Rating: Moderately Bloody Machete (3/5)

It’s a little bloody in parts. Nothing truly cringe-worthy, but you get the idea. If you don’t like kids getting their heads chomped off, consider yourself warned.

Overall Rating: 3/5 Balloons

I’d say it’s decent. It does stay true to the first movie. But I felt like they tried too hard to make this flick as fun as the first one was. Chapter 1 had a really fun dynamic. A group of outcast kids who get in way over their heads as they fight off monsters. And this one brought a lot of humor to try to keep the mood light. But I think I’d rather it just be a scary movie.

The only other catch is the VERY long run time, at just under 3 hours. It’s a marathon for sure, and does feel excessive. I think if you enjoyed the first movie, there’s a decent chance you might like the second movie. I’ve heard some people who really disliked this one, but I think that’s a little too far. If you’ve got a few (okay, like 4) hours available, I think it’s worth seeing in theaters. But maybe check out the cheap theater.

So there you have it.. The first review of 2019 Spooky Season is in the books! I don’t think I’ll be making it to Halloween Horror Nights this year, as much as I’d like to see the Ghostbusters house. Check this out:

https://twitter.com/cyberaug/status/1173096335639105537

Stay tuned for hopefully more reviews, but until next time, stay out of those sewers.

-Dvo

Sour Patch Kids

 Pet Sematary

Hello there! It’s the end of April, and it’s been a busy month over here at the UC. There’s a lot of renovation and spring cleaning taking place. These dead bodies and spider webs aren’t going to throw themselves in the garbage, if you know what I mean.

Side note… that GIF is a pretty good summary of that show after about season 4. ANYWAY, welcome back to another installment of your sloppy source for some things horror. This month, I’ve got a review of the highly-anticipated remake of the Stephen King classic, Pet Sematary. *semi truck blows by your house at 300 mph, because that’s logical*

For the uninitiated, the original Pet Sematary was made in the 80’s and it really is a classic. The girlfriend and I watched it a few months ago, and I can attest that it still holds up today. That’s a creepy movie. And the new flick looked like it was going to take a possibly even-darker approach to it, so I bought into the hype train. All aboard!

Pet Sematary is the story of a family who moves to a house in the country so that the father, a doctor, can spend more time with his kids and live a quieter lifestyle. The house is nice, and they have a sprawling forest on their vast property. But a few days after moving in, they discover that they are the not-so-proud owners of a pet graveyard in the woods. A little dark, but whatever. However, when tragedy strikes the family pet, the old neighbor (who is actually an alien, if 3rd Rock From the Sun has taught me anything) offers to help to bury the cat in the dead of night. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

Grab a shovel. We’re going GRAVE DIGGING for A Closer Look

 (Gravedigger, for those suckers who haven’t seen Monster Jam)

Villain: Could go a LOT of directions here. *pulls out of hat* I suppose I’m forced to go with “Undead hell-monsters who have assumed the bodies of the corpses that have been buried in a native American graveyard.” But one could make an argument for human greed. It’s one of the 7 deadly sins, after all.

How Do I Stop Them?: SIMPLE! SO. EFFING. SIMPLE. Don’t use the magical burial ground that you found after trekking through the woods and a damn swamp in your back yard with the weird old neighbor, in an effort to bring back your DEAD loved ones. But should you make that horrible mistake, then be prepared to re-kill them, somehow. Recommend a flamethrower.

Lessons Learned: If I wasn’t clear above, I’ll re-state it. The first time you try to resurrect a loved one, you get a pass. You can’t know that it’s a bad idea at first. But then if you help a neighbor to do it after knowing that it’s bad, you’ve really screwed the pooch. And then when the neighbor STILL doesn’t learn his lesson, and does it again, well… you’ve got what’s coming to you. Oh, and did I mention the GHOST that’s literally telling the neighbor that the ground is sour? *insert epic facepalm montage here* Also, one more side note. And this is a mind-blower… Is this where Sour Patch Kids come from? Are we eating undead hell-monsters in the form of delicious gummy candy? Lemon hell-monsters are my favorite.

Who Do I Watch With?: This is a pretty creepy flick with a dark tone. So grab a friend who likes horror, and ideally someone who has seen the original before. And if you haven’t, I recommend watching the original first.

Movie Trivia: Referring to the original adaptation of Pet Sematary (1989), Stephen King has stated that of all his novels, this is the only one that genuinely scared him. There are also references to other Stephen King novels throughout the movie, including Cujo and The Shining.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 8/10. I know, I know. These things are very easily avoided (or at least should be). But, in this reality, they’re very real. And they’re pretty darn creepy.

Scare Factor: 8/10. Pretty solid stuff here. The whole movie holds a really dark tone to it. I will say that there are some story arcs that are completely unnecessary in relation to the film. But while unnecessary, they do keep the scares coming for a lot of the run time, so overall this is a pretty scary movie.

Gore Rating: Very Bloody Machete (4/5)

There aren’t a lot of violent scenes, but there’s some really gruesome stuff throughout this flick. So it’s got the scares, and it’s got the gore, which leads us to…

Overall Rating: 4/5 Big Rigs

Really solid horror flick, especially for a re-make. The director made some pretty bold choices in terms of adding in some stuff that wasn’t critical to the main story, but I don’t think any of them took away from the film. And overall, this is a really creepy movie. It holds very true to the original, while also deviating in a creative way. Pet Sematary is still running in theaters, so if you’re in the mood for some scares, catch it on the big screen!

That will do it for this review. I hope that wherever you are, it’s not snowing like it did up here yesterday. What is this, weatherblog? I’m half-kidding, but this crap needs to stop. I’ll wrap this up by saying that I do care for each and every one of you that loyally follow me. But if you die, I’m not bringing you back. Sorry not sorry. Back to disposing of these bodies.

Until next time,

LET’S WAKE UP THE DEAD! #plottwist >:)

-Dvo